Hi Everyone:
I have a friend who lost her husband three weeks ago, after a long illness. He had dementia and had been failing for several years. This is the second husband she’s lost. Her first hubby died unexpectedly from complications as a result of his diabetes, as I recall.
Her second husband’s birthday was this week, so you know what she did? She baked some of her delicious homemade cupcakes and took them to the veterans’ home where her hubby breathed his last. It was her goal to brighten the day of the men and women who worked and lived there. She turned a sorrowful time of her own into a blessing for others.
What a great attitude she has! I wish I could say the same thing for my own attitude, don’t you? She always lifts people up, even when she is sorrowing.
Do you know anyone who has reacted to loss the way my friend did? I would love to hear your stories.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Sometimes it’s easy to lose sight of what you want in life when something that looks really good pops up on your radar screen.
Maybe it’s a person that you are inexplicably attracted to or someone that you just seem to “click” with. The fireworks are going off and you think that he or she is the one for you. Caution is a good idea here.
I’ve had a few friends, all female, who found themselves divorced or otherwise just alone as they approached middle age. A good looking guy came into their lives and, the next thing we knew, they were married. One gal I know got married to a man she’d only known three weeks. It didn’t last.
Now, friends, my parents met on a blind date, got engaged in three days, married seven months later, and were wonderfully in love throughout their 67 year marriage. I know you can get swept off your feet and have it work out. But sometimes is doesn’t happen that way.
If you are tempted to fall hard and fast, please ask one of your closest friends to slap you upside the head. (Not really, I’m just kidding!) But please do consider any decisions you make very carefully before you take the leap.
Find a counselor whose advice you trust and talk things through. There’s that old saying “marry in haste, regret at leisure” and I’ve known gals who spent a lot of time doing the latter when they expected the former.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Do you have a problem with mice in your house? I live in the country and find that they do periodically show up, unannounced, except for the mouse turds they leave wherever they are.
How do you get rid of them? I have my tried and true “catch them in a mousetrap and then run over them with your car” method that I have explained in an earlier blog posting.
A good friend of mine has a cat that periodically demonstrates its love by depositing half-dead mice at her feet. After she got somewhat used to this method of devotion, she said that her favorite means of removal was to pick the rodent up with a large pair of kitchen tongs and place the unfortunate animal in the toilet, for rapid flushing. She must have a really high-quality toilet, since there is no problem with the toilet accepting the mouse for disposal.
If you have a toilet that might not take such deposits, you might be better off using the tongs to toss the creature outside in order to rid your home of it. However, if the animal does not die, you could have a problem with a mad, injured mouse returning to torment your life via the courtesy of your cat, since the mouse would be considerably easier to catch in its current condition.
What do you do to rid yourself of these sometimes-cute but definitely not wanted pests? I would love to hear your stories and read your tales of mouse woe!
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Carts are usually stored either outside the store or just inside the store. Some stores place them both places. [As an interesting note, Bed, Bath, and Beyond (one of my favorite stores) puts their carts in both places AND puts them in several locations throughout the store. They have learned that people will buy more on impulse if they can find a cart easily. Because many of those I-can’t-live-without-this purchases take place as people browse, they make carts readily available for people who might not want to walk all the way back to the front of the store. That’s good marketing!]
Hugely important note: Gentlemen, you have a tendency to place your cart in the middle of the aisle as you shop. This forces others to wait while you peruse the grocery offerings. Waiting for you to decide what you want to buy is not fun. Maybe the others in the store are in a hurry (this is my perpetual condition).
Maybe you think that jamming up the aisle is a good way to pick up chicks. It is not, under most circumstances. The pretty lady who has caught your eye may get a very negative impression by her inability to get around you, so please be considerate and move your cart to one side of the aisle or the other.
Also, please make sure that you check the area immediately surrounding you as you step out to continue your shopping. Otherwise, you may find yourself T-boning the other shoppers. Further note: Being a thoughtful shopper is actually a more effective way to meet someone new; men who are considerate are more likely to make a good first impression that might, just might, lead to an exchange of phone numbers and/or email addresses. This is as opposed to exchanging insurance information because you mowed the lady down in your unbridled haste (or lack thereof). Your call.
What have you experienced as a shopper that makes you think of shopping carts as weapons? I would love to hear your tale of woe!
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Have you seen these folks where you live? They’re always together, until one day when they’re not. She’s always been there, or he’s always nearby, until the day when you see one of them alone. What happened? Death or divorce.
Statistically, there will be 1.6 million people this year who lose their spouses. The numbers are pretty well divided between those who are divorced (813, 000) and widowed (800,000). A woman reaching the age of 65 in America today only has a 20% chance that she will still be married by the time she turns 66. Forty percent of these gals will be widowed, while 40% will find themselves in divorce court. (Note: All of these numbers come from the U.S. Census Bureau. I didn’t make the figures up to sell books.)
Oh, here’s another fun fact: Forty-five percent of Americans over the age of 18 have never been married. That adds up to 109 million people (thanks again to the Census Bureau for this information) who need to have some serious planning ahead done.
Since the odds are against you being with your dearly beloved during the closing years of your life, what does this mean to you? It means, among other things, that you need to plan ahead, right now. How will you handle finances, property, investments, retirement? What about long term care? End-of-life decisions? Don’t plan on dumping these decisions on your kids, if you have any. Work things out right now, to the best of your ability.
I know one gal whose trust in her hubby was so complete that she made no plans for her own retirement. She was so busy raising her kids and taking care of her household (and working part time) that she didn’t realize until it was too late that her hubby was storing up money to feather a new nest. She can never retire. Social Security, according to their own publication, is meant to cover 40% of a retiree’s expenses. So where is the other 60% going to come from? Working till the day she dies, according to a chat we had recently.
This lob posting isn’t mean to be a downer- it’s meant to wake you up while there’s still time!
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
What’s in your future, just waiting around the corner? Sometimes we think we have life all figured out. We’re going to do a, b, and c and d will happen. We’re going to marry the man or woman of our dreams and live happily ever after. Sometimes we do and sometimes it does. Other times, not so much.
Maybe you find out the Prince Charming has morning breath or stinky feet or a bad temper…or maybe he is a serial adulterer who makes fun of your unquestioning loyalty. Maybe, to your spouse, marriage means you use someone as a place holder while he continues to look for Ms. Right (because, sweetie, you ain’t it).
Perhaps your dearly beloved dropped dead of a heart attack or got hit by a bus. My, these certainly are morbid thoughts! While none of us want to dwell on them, we do need to be prepared for when the unexpected does occur.
So, if you are happily hitched or satisfactorily single, you can still make sure that your financial house is in order, that you have made plans for any responsibilities you have should anything happen to you, and that your loved ones know your wishes. I mean, what if your spouse thinks an appropriate song for your funeral is “Love is Always Better the Second Time Around” and you had your heart set on “You are my Special Angel?”
If your precious spouse has passed without warning or the man of your dreams turns out to be a nightmare, please be certain that you can carry on, regardless of your marital status. Do you know how to balance your checkbook, pay bills, do routine household maintenance, and get that blasted critter out of your garage without breaking your nails? Are you aware of when trash day occurs, when the water treatment system needs more salt, and how to determine if there’s a mouse in your house?
These are all things that I cover in Suddenly Single Tips and I hope you will scroll through some of my other blog postings. Also, let me know if there’s a specific topic you’d like me to cover.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
I meet people all the time, usually widows, whose lives are not turning out the way they had planned. They had pictured their sunset years being spent with their dearly beloved hubbies and then the fellows up and died on them. Another group of gals I meet had thought the men they had given their hearts to would always be there, until one day they weren’t, having thought the grass was greener elsewhere (honey, that’s because it’s over the septic tank, as Erma Brombeck used to say).
What’s next in your life? Take stock of where you are financially. Where will you live? How will you support yourself? While I realize you are going through a very emotionally draining time, you have to figure out how you will live and how you will eat next week, next month, next year, and years from now. It’s not romantic, but it is necessary.
If you are a widow, then things may be pretty cut and dried. Your hubby hopefully left a life insurance policy that you can benefit from and made some financial plans for your future without him.
If you are a divorcee, then maybe things aren’t so rosy, especially if your hubby had the opportunity to stash some joint assets (cash) before he hit the road (or tried to get you to leave home by making it miserable for you if you stayed).
In any event, find those documents you hoped you’d never need and get someone in the know to explain what they mean to your financial future. I met a gal recently whose former in-laws got her to sign over her rights to her deceased husband’s life insurance policy, saying “we’ll take care of you.” I’m not a lawyer and I’m not giving you any legal advice, but don’t sign anything over to anybody until you talk to an attorney and find out your rights.
Hang in there. This, too, shall pass and you will make it!
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Perhaps you are a suddenly-divorced person or a unexpectedly-widowed individual. Maybe your spouse announced that he or she no longer wanted to live in the same state as you do or perchance your spouse got hit by a bus and never came back home. Whatever the case, you did not plan on this new road. Your possibly carefully-planned life ahead has now taken a massive shift and you are stuck not knowing what to do or where to turn.
While this sounds horribly morbid (and possibly is), you can make a new way for yourself. Let’s chat for a few minutes here. What is something you have always wanted to do but your spouse was never on board with it? What have you always wanted to learn or experience or visit? What are your wildest dreams that somehow always got pushed aside for other concerns?
Guess what? Financial concerns aside, perhaps this is the opportunity you have waited for your whole life. Perhaps you always dreamed of learning to ballroom dance but you spouse hated it…there is probably an Arthur Murray studio somewhere nearby. Go for it! You don’t need a partner (they will supply one) and this is your chance to pretend you’re on Dancing with the Stars. (Have you checked out Drew Scott dancing to The Rainbow Connection- that’s worth a visit to the website).
A very good friend of mine loves helping people whose lives have been changed by disasters. Her hubby wouldn’t have liked her to be gone at the drop of a hat, but she’s a widow now and so off she goes. She helps change the lives of others for the better at a time when they may be grieving or facing a some natural disaster. She’s right there to support and guide them.
Yes, your life is different now. Would you have chosen this new road? Probably not. But you’re here now, so go for it and live your dreams.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
When do you decide that Mom or Dad needs more help than you can give them? How do you know what’s best for their time of life?
These can be hard questions to answer. The gal in this picture looks happy and vital but she may have physical needs that go beyond her family’s ability to cope. I have a dear friend whose mother has been a happy, pleasant, kind person her whole life. She was a super wife and wonderful mother. But now she needs help.
I have some other friends who are making decisions about their father’s care. He has been there for them their entire lives. He has been a superb father and a loving husband. A recent fall has accelerated his need for assistance.
Another friend from church has an ailing wife. She has had cancer for several years and neither of them can attend church anymore because she can’t be left alone and can’t take the chance that someone at church will make her sick. With her cancer, a simple cold could kill her. What is her family to do?
We, as family members, are faced with a dilemma: how do we do the best for our loved one who is in need while not ignoring the responsibilities of our immediate family? Therein lies the problem. If we spend too much time away from our own family, that can cause relationship problems. If we don’t spend enough time with our loved one who needs us, that person could fail more quickly than he or she would otherwise.
I believe that the best way to handle this is through prayer and through understanding the needs of the people involved. If you finances will allow for a private duty nurse or CNA, that might be the best solution for your family. If there is a good adult daycare in your area, that might help others. Perhaps assisted living is the best route for now; there are some excellent homes out there where your loved one can have some degree of independence while he or she is in this “new normal” life.
It would be a blessing to hear how your family has handled the delicate situation you have faced. Do post your comments and thoughts, so that we can all reach out to help others at this difficult time.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
The movie The Second Best Marigold Hotel opens with the elderly character Evelyn Greenslade (Judi Dench) trying to sign up for internet service on what was her late husband’s account.
The customer service representative on the other end of the phone line repeatedly insists on speaking to Mr. Greenslade, since his name was the only one on the account. The representative refuses to tell Evelyn anything; Evelyn informs the woman that she can’t talk to him because he is dead.
As it turns out, not only can Evelyn not change anything with their internet service provider, but her late husband ran them into the ground financially. His untimely heart attack has left Evelyn impoverished and needing to sell their family home and all of their possessions in order to pay back his debt.
Evelyn has been kept completely in the dark about their financial situation and she ends up moving to India, to live in a second-rate hotel. Her monetary situation is so precarious that she needs to find a job, having to work for the first time in her life.
Several gals have told me their tales of woe with customer service agents who refuse to change the names on their electric, gas, or water bills. What worked for them was to have the names on the account, such as Mr. John Smith, changed to Mrs. John Smith as a way around receiving a monthly bill for someone who is six feet under.
What ideas do you have for meeting this challenge?
Best,
Dr. Sheri