: Suddenly Single

Before You Re-Do Those “I do’s” You Might Want to Ask Some Questions

Hello everyone:

Sometimes it feels so nice to be back in a relationship that you throw caution (and your good sense) to the wind and fall madly in love. Or, at the very least, into very strong like. But you might want to proceed with a whit of the common sense you were born with.

Really, how well do you know this person? He or she might be the kind of person who flatters you, brings you gifts, and spends quality time with you. This person might be completely legitimate. Or not. It’s the “or not” that you need to be concerned about. Let me walk you through some questions you might want to find answers to, before you head down this new marital aisle.

What is this person’s background? Did the person grow up in a dysfunctional home? What kind of relationship did (or does) this individual have with his or her parents? Siblings? Former spouse? Children?

How did his or her parents handle conflict? This is what the prospective spouse is used to and it is his or her fall-back reaction. Were the prospect’s parents screamers or folks who remained perfectly calm during times of disagreement? Were decisions made by one person or two?

Have you ever seen your new potential mate get angry? How does he or she respond when not getting his or her way? Could you live with that for the rest of your life?

If your possible Mr. or Mrs. Right is divorced, what were the reasons for that split? Does your friend accept at least some responsibility for the break up or was blame laid entirely at the feet of the former Right family member? Does your friend badmouth the former spouse and then say, “But you know I would never say anything bad about __________.” But he or she just did.

Have his or her children accepted your role in their parent’s life? If not, you will have a very hard row to hoe, and it could be an issue for the rest of your life. How do you feel about that? True, sometimes these things work out but occasionally they don’t.

Has your potential spouse asked any questions about your life, or has it been an attitude of “your life began the moment you met me” kind of relationship?

Has your future spouse recently invested in a new home, wanting to settle on it before you tie the knot? I am not a lawyer but there’s something called “non-marital property” that allows him or her to keep one hundred percent of the value of the home that he or she bought, even if he or she bought it the day before your wedding. If you split up in the future, he or she gets to keep his or her money. That is planning ahead or it could be a case of hedging his or her bets on whether or not your marriage will last.

Finally, does this person have any really annoying habits? Can you live with those quirks, without complaint, for the rest of your life? If this is an older person, those habits are not going to change.

I’m not telling you not to remarry. That’s not my intent. Instead, I am asking you to think about these hard questions before you tie the knot. Mr. or Mrs. Right might turn out to be Mr. or Mrs. No Way, Jose.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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Staying Sane in a COVID19 World

Hello everyone:

The practicality of keeping your mind intact during the COVID19 pandemic might be a no-brainer (well, actually it would be the opposite, technically speaking) but how does someone who lives alone keep his or her mind? Good question.

You see television commercials that assume you have a boatload of folks living with you, when your reality is that there is no one. The PSA Powers that Be hint very loudly and often that the ONLY safe place is in your home. Going outside, even to the grocery, could be fatal.

Well, there is that possibility. If you are over 65 and chronically ill, then, yes, there is a much better chance that you will get sick. If you are in good shape, you could also get sick. The deal here is that there is a 98% chance you would recover, even if you did get ill. Those aren’t my stats; they came from Dr. Ben Carson, a man I greatly admire, two weeks ago.

So how do you keep from going wahoo while waiting for the all-clear? (The point here is that you want to be around other people, without actually being anywhere near them. Your house can only be SO clean….

Text. Call people on the phone. Keep some kind of noise going on during your waking hours, trying to avoid anything that will stress you out. HGTV is a good start, except for those annoying Lowe’s commercials where they tell you every five minutes to stay home with your family. Suddenly Single folks live alone, Lowe’s geniuses. Don’t rub it in.

Crud. I can hear that annoying commercial where they tell me what my rooms have been changed into…This is the fifteenth time they’ve played it since I started writing this blog posting. Aughh!!!!! I have just made the decision to stick with Home Depot, who only asks that I paint my entire house or Ace, where they offer curbside or home delivery. No more Lowe’s for me, who apparently have a very low budget for musical interludes and play that same blasted melody with its handful of notes over and over and over…..No, wait, I may be going nuts. But I digress.

Order books and read them. Pretend you are in the story; they have people in them. They are your new best friends. (Keep in mind they have to be a bit on the nutty side or there would be no story). Write a book. Who are the weirdest people you know? Change all identifying names and places and have at it.

Take long walks, and greet everyone who passes by, even if they are on the opposite side of the road where they should be. We have a pandemic going on, after all. Make appointments to talk to your neighbors; one of you can stand in the road while the other of you stands in your garage.

Stay sane. Put on your big girl pants and don’t let the pandemic get you down. We are one day closer to our freedom than we were yesterday.

Hugs,

Dr. Sheri

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Outhouses Aren’t Pretty and Divorce Isn’t Either

Hello everyone:

Outhouses. They stink. They are, shall we say, less than hygienic. They are frequently right there, out in the open (think construction sites and roadway work here). But they are sometimes necessary.

Okay, so I will confess that the reason I don’t run marathons is because of the bathroom facilities. My idea of “roughing it” is the Hilton.

I was talking to a friend of mine this afternoon about divorces. They are frequently messy, hurtful experiences. They can pit two perfectly decent folks against one another.

What might be the most difficult season of this time of life is when you realize that your ex is moving on after one of you moved out. If you are still alone, that can be difficult, painful, and tear-provoking. We don’t usually deal with emotions herein but sometimes a little reflection can help you move on, so here we go.

How did you feel when you first heard the news that your ex had plans for a new Mrs. firmly in place? Please don’t succumb to the temptation to call her and tell her all the negative stuff you have on your ex. She won’t believe you and you will only appear to be the absolute nut job your ex already told her you are.

Warning her off simply will not work and you will appear to have a bad case of sour grapes.

So what should you do instead? As a Christian to whom this has happened twice, I turn to pray and thinking about the things of God. It helps that I have an amazing group of Christian friends that keep me on the right track.

Chats and texts are helpful, though the latter can be used against you in a court of law, so refrain from anything you don’t want to share with his attorney and the judge. Nothing more threatening than a coconut cream pie in his face, please. On second thought, that is one of my two favorite pies, the other being key lime. Send me the pie and use a different kind. [Please note that a frozen pie has the potential to do serious damage, so make sure it is thawed.]

Don’t start overeating. Food is not the comfort it might seem and you will only feel worse when you see the new poundage that has been added to wherever you wanted and needed it the least. Blessed be the tie that binds but not in this case.

Going out for a long walk can help. Please note that you may need to do this more than once a day. Walk as fast as you can for as long as you can, and then go home and do something productive. For example, I am already working on my Christmas 2020 gifts (I do counted cross stitch) and I have cleaned out a closet and am about two-thirds of the way through cleaning out some things I inherited from my great aunt…..ten years ago. It is only April, so I am on a roll here.

To close for now, when the post-divorce reality hits, resist the urge to pray for rain on his next wedding day. Don’t badmouth him to your children. Again, that won’t win friends, even if she looks like…..nope, I’m not going to say it. Wish him the best and move on.

You have to get rid of what you don’t want in your life to make room for what you do want, even if we are only talking about attitudes and feelings. It’s better to want something you don’t have than to have something you don’t want.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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More News on COVID-19’s Effect on Marriages

Hello everyone:

You’ve seen the pictures of folks smiling happily into the camera for pictures to be posted at once on Facebook. It makes me very pleased to see how some marriages have been strengthened by the virus and the forced togetherness. If this is a time of great joy for some couples, that’s superb.

But I had a chat recently with a pastor friend of mine and he was telling me that, in the midst of all this togetherness, there is a darker side. He informed me that incidents of martial violence have skyrocketed. I mentioned in an earlier blog posting that divorce lawyers have found their business increased by 50% but that doesn’t account for the marriages that are coming apart at the seams due to violence.

Some other friends told me that they have watched their parents’ marriages fall apart in front of their eyes, again as a result of too much time together and stress over losing jobs and financial pressure. Young people have lost their jobs by the thousands, but some older people have also become unemployed and businesses are failing.

So what can you and I do? Actually, there are several things that would be helpful. First, pray for these families. It is, indeed, families that are being affected by this fallout, not just the couples themselves. They need to know that they aren’t forgotten, so send a note of encouragement and support. Don’t take sides. That won’t help.

A note doesn’t interfere with crazy schedules that may include home schooling, cleaning, cooking three meals a day, juggling what is left of work, and then trying to deal with the disintegration of what might have been a long-term marriage.

What do you write? Hello. I’m thinking of you. This, too, shall pass. Praying for better days. I’m here for you. You aren’t alone in this. I’m your friend….

You know your friend or family member better than I do. The important thing is that you have written a personal, handwritten note to uplift and encourage, not a text. That can make a huge difference.

Next, wait a few days and follow up with a phone call. Again, be there for the person. Listen. Devote your entire attention to the person. Pray for him or her. Make sure that you are contacting a person of the same sex. This is not the time to get involved with someone other than your own spouse (who my Suddenly Single folks no longer have)! You are not a home wrecker; you are there to be an encouragement to your friend.

Pray without ceasing. Encourage without judging. Be there without fail.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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Tax Time for the Newly-Single Can Be a Shocker or How to Pay for a House without Getting One

Hello everyone:

Let me tell you a little secret: If you forget to change your filing status with your employer after you become single, your taxes can be a real shocker when tax time comes. Voice of experience here. Today.

So, my ex and I split up last year. He always did our taxes. I would nod and smile as we went through the documents, not really paying attention. After a few minutes of explanation, I would sign on the numerous proverbial dotted lines and everything was fine. The refunds would arrive like clockwork.

My accountant got my full attention this morning when he told me what my tax liability was for not telling my employer I was no longer married. The fact that I hadn’t known I needed to tell my employer will bring further blessings next year, since we are so far into this year. I have spent a lot of time today, scrambling to inform my HR department. They apparently aren’t working right now, due to the COVID19 fun, which will make my joy even greater next year since I can’t get a hold of them.

My attention was so grabbed this morning that I went weak in my knees. The number that my accountant gave me was more than half what I paid for my first house. I kid you not. A lot more than half, truth be told. And I wasn’t getting a house out of the deal. And the money was due by when??????

So, here’s the takeaway for all of my suddenly single friends: Inform your employer IMMEDIATELY when you are no longer married. If you know that you will be unexpectedly unmarried soon, go ahead and change your status now, so that the taxes will not come as a surprise next April. And so you won’t get lulled into thinking you are taking home more money that you are.

So where’s my house?

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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Marital Fallout From COVID-19

Hello everyone:

I heard an interesting news flash this past week. As you all know, the virus has been taking quite a toll on the world. The stress of not knowing if your best buddy or nearest neighbor is harboring the virus is getting hard on relationships.

But one of the greatest pitfalls of this whole Coronavirus outbreak is the strain on less-than-perfect marriages. It seems that, according to a news story I heard, divorce lawyers are finding their business is swelling by 50%. All that togetherness has brought out some hidden dissatisfaction for some couples.

Apparently, some marriages are “for better, for worse” but not for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. And all the hours in between.

I saw a couple of nearby-but-different-street neighbors on a walk this afternoon. They were sitting on their porch, as far apart as they could get. They were silent and only moved enough to scowl at each other and greet me when I said “hello.” I wondered how long they had been married and if they would be one of the couples that would be needing my website soon.

The U.S. Census Bureau statistics that I regularly cite say that 1.6 million people are projected to lose their spouse to death or divorce this year, but that was before the virus showed up. I wonder just how far those statistics will soar but the time everything is said and done. Let’s do some figuring here. Of the 1.6 million people factored in here, 813,000 will get divorced. If the lawyers are saying their numbers are up by 50%, then that is roughly 400,000 more people. Wow, that’s 1.2 million people who will be spouse-less by New Year’s Eve.

If you know anyone in this sad state, encourage them to get counselling. That’s a lot of happy divorce attorneys but a huge hunk of people saying “I Don’t.” And that would be a sad refrain to an even sadder illness.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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Logistics of Living Alone

Hello everyone:

My great aunt was my maiden great aunt, meaning that she never married. At some point in her later years, she realized the importance of having friends who knew she was sill among the living, on a daily basis.

So she started a twice-daily phone chain where she and her single, widowed, and divorced friends would call each other the first thing in the morning and again at night. This isn’t as crazy as it sounds. Or as neurotic.

A good friend of mine had a single gal who she had known for many years. One day, some mutual friends realized that they hadn’t heard from the single woman for several days. They went over to her house, where they found her car in the driveway, the newspapers piling up, and no answer when they knocked on the door.

The police responded to their call and they found their friend lying on the floor of the shower. She had fallen several days before and couldn’t get up (this was before the days of those chains older folks wear around their necks). The lady was dehydrated and not in her right mind.

They transported her to the hospital, where they were able to restore her health but she was never quite the same again.

Instead of taking a chance that this might happen to you, it’s important that you establish a regular group of contacts you make. Have an arrangement where you call at about the same time every day. Make sure that a couple of trusted friends have a key to your house, with permission to come in and check on you if they don’t hear from you.

What stories can you share about folks who live alone? It’s better to have a plan in place than to end up ….badly off, if you get my drift.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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The Best Darn lawyer in Town

Hello everyone:

I heard a story some time ago about bad decisions and thought I would pass it on to you today. This story was told to me by one of my students. He knew a man, who we will call “the Colonial,” as a patient at a home for veterans. My student realized that the man never had any visitors, in spite of his having been a man of considerable influence during the span of his career.

The Colonial shared his story in small parts, over a period of time. He had been married three times, ditching each of his first two wives after they hit the ripe old age of forty, saying “they just kind of lose something around that age, you know?”

He had children with his first two wives, and now has a boatload of grandchildren, who he no longer sees. His third wife (who is now in her mid-forties) was “the best darn divorce lawyer in town.” She now lives comfortably in the house the Colonial paid for, using money from his investments to support her lifestyle.

Wife number three does not come to see him, preferring the company of younger men to that of her bitter, chronically ill, late-eighties husband. His kids and grandkids hate him; his current wife ignores him. He did not make very good plans for his own future, placing great importance on having a trophy wife, but not understanding what would happen to him if he became institutionalized.

The Colonial might have been a very important man, but he did not make good decisions and it is costing him plenty now. He seemed to think that the grass was greener elsewhere, but that was probably because it was over the septic tank.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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Don’t Do Me A Favor if You’re Leaving Raw Spackling Compound on My Walls

Hello everyone:

You may know the Helpful Harry type- with apologies to everyone named Harry. He tries to do a good deed but it misfires and you end up with the problem. Let me tell you a story.

I recently bought a lovely home. I went through the pre-inspection one hour before settlement and discovered something shocking: The previous owner, in some sort of misguided attempt to be helpful, had covered every nail hole on every wall in the new house with spackling compound.

Now this might have been deemed “helpful,” except that every wall in the house was painted brown. (Imagine here for a moment that you are living inside a wet cardboard box. That’s the color he had painted all of the walls during his pre-spackling extravaganza.)

Now, I knew I would need to repaint, not being fond of wet-cardboard-box brown, but I didn’t realize that it would need to be done immediately (the man apparently had a bunch of pictures that had previously graced his walls, so there were huge patches of spackle on every single wall. Some walls had as many as six or seven splotches!) “Heavens to Betsy,” as my mother would say. Shoot, this was even worth her “goodness, gracious, mercy Maude” and my father’s beloved expression, “Gosh!”

While I was busy “Betsying,” “Mauding,” and “goshing” my way through the house, I also realized that, because the walls were textured and because he had sanded them, I now had white smooth sections of brown, textured walls.

The end of the story, however, is really quite wonderful. A very dear and new friend and her family came over to my house and painted my entire house. The horrid brown with white spackle has now been replaced with gorgeous light blue, light mint green, and pink (not in the same room or even on the same floor). It looks great, not thanks to Helpful Harry.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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Recalcitrant Washing Machines and Other Irritations

Hello everyone:

I have a two-month old washer that has been incredibly persnickety. Sometimes it will spin the clothes and sometimes it simply rinses them five or six times and then declares itself finished. (It has also claimed to be spinning when I can clearly hear it filling and refilling with water.)

It seems there is a computer in the workings of the machine (computers are everywhere these days…I remember my grandmother’s old washer that required you to put clothing literally through the wringer….but I digress). Said computer has many likes and dislikes and apparently one of those peculiarities is that it is not overly fond of a hose that is too long.

You know that hose that goes from your washer to the drain line in your wall? Well, apparently, the washer doesn’t like a six foot hose; it prefers a six-inch one. When my washer was originally delivered, it came with a three-inch hose that you couldn’t do anything with, especially not drain any pressurized water, without risking the possibility that your laundry room would soon be swathed in dirty rinse water.

So, on the advice of the washer deliverers, I made a trek to my local Home Depot and bought a longer one. A much longer one. Six feet longer, to be more precise. Nobody told me that it would need to be trimmed and my friend who kindly installed the new, longer hose didn’t know to trim it, either.

So, the technician met me at my house today, and it took him all of ten minutes to realize the challenge that was confronting my washer. You see, when the hose is too long, it is longer than the washer, the water backs up as it is draining, and the computer inside the machine says there isn’t any water in the washer and it keeps refilling the machine. Hence, the five or six rinse cycles, sans the spin cycle.

So, before you get ready to deep six your washer or hang around the house waiting for the washer technician, take a look at that hose. The length might be the problem. Make sure you keep enough length so that it doesn’t come out of the wall when it’s under pressure (which would lead to an impromptu bubble bath or a spur of the moment baptismal service) but not so long that it doesn’t confuse your washer. Where’s a wringer washer when you need it?

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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