: Suddenly Single

Let not your heart be troubled; things will work out in the end

HI everyone:

I know that it can be very discouraging to watch a parent go downhill. You are used to seeing Mom or Dad strong, healthy, and vibrant. Now you are becoming the parent. You wipe his or her mouth. Perhaps you have to tuck him or her into bed. It can be depressing.

Try to keep in mind that your folks took care of you when you were little. Now you are just returning all those years of devotion.  Try to hang in there. Talk to people you know who are going through the same thing. Misery may love company but it also loves support. Do you have folks in your community or at your church who have experienced this in their own lives?

I paid tribute in this blog to a gal last week whose husband was diagnosed with dementia many years ago. She took care of him with a smile on her face, even when the going got hard. You know, I think that made a huge difference in how she took his eventual demise.

If you need to find help, try to find someone who shares your values and your attitude towards this stage of life. That in itself will help take a troubling time and turn it into a time of blessing, though it may be a blessing in disguise.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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Turning Sadness into Service

Hi Everyone:

I have a friend who lost her husband three weeks ago, after a long illness. He had dementia and had been failing for several years. This is the second husband she’s lost. Her first hubby died unexpectedly from complications as a result of his diabetes, as I recall.

Her second husband’s birthday was this week, so you know what she did? She baked some of her delicious homemade cupcakes and took them to the veterans’ home where her hubby breathed his last. It was her goal to brighten the day of the men and women who worked and lived there. She turned a sorrowful time of her own into a blessing for others.

What a great attitude she has! I wish I could say the same thing for my own attitude, don’t you? She always lifts people up, even when she is sorrowing.

Do you know anyone who has reacted to loss the way my friend did? I would love to hear your stories.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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You’re no bunny till somebody…

Hello everyone:

I have a very special friend who I met briefly at a writer’s conference two years ago. We became friends on Facebook a little while later and I have watched with great interest her progress in the publishing world (she’s doing very well!). I praise the Lord for her success. She is s stunning and intelligent woman.

A few months ago, she shared on Facebook that her marriage was in trouble and that her husband wanted out. He wanted “space” which, loosely translated, means he had found someone else to fill it. Things on the marital front were challenging over the next few months. A week or so ago, her husband announced his impending wedding, which has since happened. There is only one problem: they aren’t divorced yet. Bigamy or a fake marriage, who can tell?

This blog is to let my special friend know that folks care about her. You may be in the same boat. Please know that, no matter how you feel right now or what your recalcitrant spouse says, you are somebody special. You have worth in the eyes of God, who loves and cares for you. And you are “some bunny….”

Best,

Dr. Sheri

 

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Fireworks or a dud?

Hello everyone:

Sometimes it’s easy to lose sight of what you want in life when something that looks really good pops up on your radar screen.

Maybe it’s a person that you are inexplicably attracted to or someone that you just seem to “click” with. The fireworks are going off and you think that he or she is the one for you. Caution is a good idea here.

I’ve had a few friends, all female, who found themselves divorced or otherwise just alone as they approached middle age. A good looking guy came into their lives and, the next thing we knew, they were married. One gal I know got married to a man she’d only known three weeks. It didn’t last.

Now, friends, my parents met on a blind date, got engaged in three days, married seven months later, and were wonderfully in love throughout their 67 year marriage. I know you can get swept off your feet and have it work out. But sometimes is doesn’t happen that way.

If you are tempted to fall hard and fast, please ask one of your closest friends to slap you upside the head. (Not really, I’m just kidding!) But please do consider any decisions you make very carefully before you take the leap.

Find a counselor whose advice you trust and talk things through. There’s that old saying “marry in haste, regret at leisure” and I’ve known gals who spent a lot of time doing the latter when they expected the former.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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Getting what you don’t expect

Hi everyone:

A friend of mine is a fellow with a real heart for older folks. He took care of an elderly neighbor for many years because she had no family. It came as a real shock when, following her death, her lawyer informed him that the woman had left everything to him. This included a small bank account and her house, which was in dire need of repair.

He is a contractor by trade, so he immediately set to work to get it ready to sell. He was not prepared for the next shock: she had gotten a reverse mortgage several years prior to her death. She had been living on the money from the mortgage and had left him a house whose equity was almost totally eaten up by the mortgage.

By the time everything was over, he barely made enough money to pay for the expenses he had incurred while fixing up the house. It was only the search by the title company that revealed that there was a mortgage on the property; she had no paperwork in the house that indicated it was anything but paid for and he assumed that it was free and clear of encumbrances.

Make sure that you check things out before you sink money into a project. Otherwise, you may end up like my friend: seriously deluged with out-of-pocket expenses and now nothing to show for it.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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Mice are not household pets

Hello everyone:

Do you have a problem with mice in your house? I live in the country and find that they do periodically show up, unannounced, except for the mouse turds they leave wherever they are.

How do you get rid of them? I have my tried and true “catch them in a mousetrap and then run over them with your car” method that I have explained in an earlier blog posting.

A good friend of mine has a cat that periodically demonstrates its love by depositing half-dead mice at her feet.  After she got somewhat used to this method of devotion, she said that her favorite means of removal was to pick the rodent up with a large pair of kitchen tongs and place the unfortunate animal in the toilet, for rapid flushing. She must have a really high-quality toilet, since there is no problem with the toilet accepting the mouse for disposal.

If you have a toilet that might not take such deposits, you might be better off using the tongs to toss the creature outside in order to rid your home of it. However, if the animal does not die, you could have a problem with a mad, injured mouse returning to torment your life via the courtesy of your cat, since the mouse would be considerably easier to catch in its current condition.

What do you do to rid yourself of these sometimes-cute but definitely not wanted pests?  I would love to hear your stories and read your tales of mouse woe!

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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Shopping carts and other weapons of mass destruction

Hello everyone:

Carts are usually stored either outside the store or just inside the store. Some stores place them both places. [As an interesting note, Bed, Bath, and Beyond (one of my favorite stores) puts their carts in both places AND puts them in several locations throughout the store. They have learned that people will buy more on impulse if they can find a cart easily. Because many of those I-can’t-live-without-this purchases take place as people browse, they make carts readily available for people who might not want to walk all the way back to the front of the store. That’s good marketing!]

Hugely important note: Gentlemen, you have a tendency to place your cart in the middle of the aisle as you shop. This forces others to wait while you peruse the grocery offerings. Waiting for you to decide what you want to buy is not fun. Maybe the others in the store are in a hurry (this is my perpetual condition).

Maybe you think that jamming up the aisle is a good way to pick up chicks. It is not, under most circumstances. The pretty lady who has caught your eye may get a very negative impression by her inability to get around you, so please be considerate and move your cart to one side of the aisle or the other.

Also, please make sure that you check the area immediately surrounding you as you step out to continue your shopping. Otherwise, you may find yourself T-boning the other shoppers. Further note: Being a thoughtful shopper is actually a more effective way to meet someone new; men who are considerate are more likely to make a good first impression that might, just might, lead to an exchange of phone numbers and/or email addresses. This is as opposed to exchanging insurance information because you mowed the lady down in your unbridled haste (or lack thereof). Your call.

What have you experienced as a shopper that makes you think of shopping carts as weapons? I would love to hear your tale of woe!

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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You might not have planned to end up alone

Hello everyone:

Have you seen these folks where you live? They’re always together, until one day when they’re not. She’s always been there, or he’s always nearby, until the day when you see one of them alone. What happened? Death or divorce.

Statistically, there will be 1.6 million people this year who lose their spouses. The numbers are pretty well divided between those who are divorced (813, 000) and widowed (800,000). A woman reaching the age of 65 in America today only has a 20% chance that she will still be married by the time she turns 66. Forty percent of these gals will be widowed, while 40% will find themselves in divorce court. (Note: All of these numbers come from the U.S. Census Bureau. I didn’t make the figures  up to sell books.)

Oh, here’s another fun fact: Forty-five percent of Americans over the age of 18 have never been married. That adds up to 109 million people (thanks again to the Census Bureau for this information) who need to have some serious planning ahead done.

Since the odds are against you being with your dearly beloved during the closing years of your life, what does this mean to you? It means, among other things, that you need to plan ahead, right now. How will you handle finances, property, investments, retirement? What about long term care? End-of-life decisions? Don’t plan on dumping these decisions on your kids, if you have any. Work things out right now, to the best of your ability.

I know one gal whose trust in her hubby was so complete that she made no plans for her own retirement. She was so busy raising her kids and taking care of her household (and working part time) that she didn’t realize until it was too late that her hubby was storing up money to feather a new nest. She can never retire. Social Security, according to their own publication, is meant to cover 40% of a retiree’s expenses. So where is the other 60% going to come from? Working till the day she dies, according to a chat we had recently.

This lob posting isn’t mean to be a downer- it’s meant to wake you up while there’s still time!

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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What’s waiting around the corner?

Hello everyone:

What’s in your future, just waiting around the corner? Sometimes we think we have life all figured out. We’re going to do a, b, and c and d will happen. We’re going to marry the man or woman of our dreams and live happily ever after. Sometimes we do and sometimes it does. Other times, not so much.

Maybe you find out the Prince Charming has morning breath or stinky feet or a bad temper…or maybe he is a serial adulterer who makes fun of your unquestioning loyalty. Maybe, to your spouse, marriage means you use someone as a place holder while he continues to look for Ms. Right (because, sweetie, you ain’t it).

Perhaps your dearly beloved dropped dead of a heart attack or got hit by a bus. My, these certainly are morbid thoughts! While none of us want to dwell on them, we do need to be prepared for when the unexpected does occur.

So, if you are happily hitched or satisfactorily single, you can still make sure that your financial house is in order, that you have made plans for any responsibilities you have should anything happen to you, and that your loved ones know your wishes. I mean, what if your spouse thinks an appropriate song for your funeral is “Love is Always Better the Second Time Around” and you had your heart set on “You are my Special Angel?”

If your precious spouse has passed without warning or the man of your dreams turns out to be a nightmare, please be certain that you can carry on, regardless of your marital status. Do you know how to balance your checkbook, pay bills, do routine household maintenance, and get that blasted critter out of your garage without breaking your nails? Are you aware of when trash day occurs, when the water treatment system needs more salt, and how to determine if there’s a mouse in your house?

These are all things that I cover in Suddenly Single Tips and I hope you will scroll through some of my other blog postings. Also, let me know if there’s a specific topic you’d like me to cover.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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When Young Adults become the Parent

Hello everyone:

Today when I was visiting my dentist, I became aware of a whole new group of people: young adults who had the responsibility of caring for their elderly grandparents. This is not a group normally associated with the care of aging relatives, yet it is a “new normal” for many young adults.

Perhaps their parents are deceased or ill themselves, and the young adult who might have expected to be out enjoying his or her life might find instead that he or she is responsible for the care of a dementia patient or terminally ill individual or …or…or  You name it.

Young friends, my hat is off to you. I hope that you will find information and help in the blogs I have posted previously and would appreciate your sharing with my readers any special needs that you have that we can talk about herein.

It is my goal to serve you as well as the folks who are middle-aged and helping out their elderly parents. Please feel free to comment on any special needs you as a young person have and I will research the situation and report back to you.

For now, just know that you are an incredible person and I have the upmost respect and admiration for you as you walk the delicate balance between being young and being in such a position of responsibility.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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