Hello everyone:
Today we have a guest blogger with us, Ms. Pearl Nsiah-Kumi. She was born in Ghana, West Africa and has been in Maryland for over 40 years. She is a divorcee who had three adult children and four grandchildren. She is the author of several books; this blog is an excerpt from her latest one, “Your Maker is Your Husband.”
SINGLE CHRISTIAN WOMEN
I am speaking to the issue of being a single Christian woman, because I’m in that place myself: God is my husband! I was married for almost forty years, and together with my husband, we raised three children, and now have four grandchildren. Yes, my husband protected us and was the lead in most decision making. He cut the grass, washed the car, filled the gas tank, and did most of the taxiing around town as needed.
So you can imagine that when I left home to be on my own, I assumed responsibilities that I didn’t have before. I was faced with yard work: both grass cutting in the summer and snow removal in the winter. These were chores I did not care for, but they came with the territory of being single. I found them difficult and challenging, but I resolved those issues by hiring help. Now my loving son-in-law cuts the grass for me, and I’m thankful.
You might be wondering why I left home after so many years of marriage. The truth is, the complications of mental illness created a very unsafe environment for me. I had hoped my move out would be temporary, causing the situation to change and allowing me to move back home again.
In fact, I did not unpack all my boxes when I arrived at my new address; I had hoped that missing me would make him seek help, so I could return home. However, days turned into weeks, weeks into months, and months to years and no help was sought.
So I went a step further and filed for divorce. As of this writing, nothing has changed. Where was God in all of this? After all, He instituted marriage and hates divorce. Still, He was with me and directed me through the counsel of some God-fearing individuals.
God confirmed the counsel I received by saying, “Without wise leadership, a nation falls; there is safety in having many advisers” (Proverbs 11:14 NLT), “Plans go wrong for lack of advice; many advisers bring success” (Proverbs 15:22 NLT), “Don’t go to war without wise guidance; victory depends on having many advisers” (Proverbs 24:6).
So I’m living a single’s life, and if that’s your life as well, regardless of the reason, then let me assure you that you’re not alone. Yes, scripture says God hates divorce (see Malachi 2:16), but as my counselor reminded me, God also hates murder. I didn’t have much of a choice. It was either stay married and get hurt or killed, or move out.
I chose to live, see God write the next chapter of my life, and have the opportunity to continue to pray for my children and grandchildren, which, by the way, is a wonderful privilege. If your husband is an unbeliever and leaves, the Bible says to let him go (see 1 Corinthians 7:15).
Your singleness might not have been the result of a divorce. Maybe you’ve just not found the right man, or maybe you had one, but he’s now deceased. It’s also possible that none of these apply to you. You could still be married, but things aren’t going well and you feel alone. That was me for a number of years before I finally left home. No matter how your singleness came about, our needs are similar and unique and I believe God has the answers we’re each looking for.
Thank you, Pearl. I hope everyone will pick up a copy of your latest book, “Your Maker is Your Husband.”
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Women whose husbands have found greener pastures need to be savvy with financial matters. An ex-husband-to-be can frequently hide assets so that his new nest can be well-feathered. Beware of the hubby who drops hints that he is building a nest egg, especially if it seems that someone else will be sitting on the eggs.
Keep your ears and eyes open; state laws can help you with some of these assets but you need a good lawyer to help get you your share (yes, I know that some people consider “good” and “lawyer” to be mutually exclusive words, but I mean you need to find someone who will help uncover those hidden pots of gold and get you the money your years with an adulterous spouse deserve).
Does he suddenly receive financial statements from accounts with institutions you know nothing about? That could very well be a hidden asset, sister! To find the lawyer who would be the most helpful in getting your share of the family assets, find someone who is well aware of the laws in your state and who has the wherewithal to make sure you get what you deserve.
If it makes you feel any better, just realize that someone who cheats WITH your spouse will eventually cheat ON him or her. He or she might think that the pastures are greener elsewhere but, as Erma Brombeck always said, the grass is always greener over the septic tank. I would add: and you know what that is full of.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
If the engine of your car stalled, what would you do? [Hint: Make sure you have gas in the car by looking at the gas gauge on the dashboard.]
Make sure you are looking at the gauge that has a picture of a gas pump nearby- I almost ran out of gas with a new car once because the dashboard was different from my previous car and I had been looking at the engine temperature gauge instead of the gas gauge. I was amazed at the gas mileage the car was getting until I suddenly realized I had been looking at the wrong thing!
How do you know if you need to put gas in the car? [Answer: look at the gas gauge. One widow I heard about in my research had never noticed that her hubby always kept her car filled with gas. One day shortly after he met his demise, her car wouldn’t start. Guess what the problem was? Right.]
One of the service managers where I take my car for maintenance told me that you should “do for your car what you would do for yourself. Your car will take care of you if you take care of it.” He also mentioned that it is worthwhile to go the extra mile to make sure you get the car or the car service that you want. Do not settle for less than what you feel your car needs and you deserve.
What tales of gas woes do you have to share? I would love to hear from you!
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Let me tell you a story. This sad tale was told to me by one of my students. He knew a man, who we will call “the Colonial,” who was a patient at a home for veterans.
My student realized that the man never had any visitors, in spite of having been a man of considerable influence during the span of his military career. He shared his story in small parts, over a period of a few months.
He had been married three times, ditching each of his first two wives after they hit the ripe old age of 40, saying “they just kind of lose something around that age, you know?”
He had children with his first two wives, and now has a boatload of grandchildren, who he no longer sees. His third wife (who is now in her mid-40s) was “the best darn divorce lawyer in town.” (Slight paraphrase over the word he actually used there!)
She now lives comfortably in the house the Colonial paid for, using money from his investments to support her lifestyle. She does not come to see him, preferring the company of younger men to that of her bitter, chronically ill, late-80’s husband.
His kids and grandchildren hate him; his current wife ignores him. He did not make very good plans for his own future, placing great importance on having a trophy wife, but not understanding what would happen to him if he became institutionalized or simply got old.
Do you know anyone like the Colonel? Someone who used people, instead of having good relationships with others? Please feel free to share their stories, but do not use real names.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
When people get ready to sell their home of many years, they are emotionally attached to the property. As such, they over-value their home and see it as perfect (or, at least, eccentric or charming).
One look at all of those HGTV shows like Flip or Flop or Buying and Selling tells you that outdated looks, worn carpeting, and cabinets from the 90s are not on the top of most buyers’ wish lists.
If hiring a decorator is not in your budget, get some decorating magazines and see what the current trends are. Find out what buyers are looking for in your area by talking to some real estate agents or to the folks at the local home improvement center.
Do talk with a full time real estate agent to find out which improvements are bringing the highest return on the investment in your area. If you decide to talk with a professional contractor, talk to one who you pay for his or her advice, rather than the person who wants to make a lot of money from your job.
If you talk to a bricklayer, for example, he or she might tell you that a new fire pit in the backyard would be a great investment, but having a worn out kitchen replaced would actually bring more bang for your buck.
From what the reality home shows demonstrate, a new kitchen or bathroom (or both) is usually the best way to go with home renovations in order to sell faster and for top dollar.
Also take the time to get rid of half of your stuff and then get rid of half of what’s left. A crowded home that looks like it belongs to a hoarder is not the best way to go when trying to sell. Yes, you love all of your stuff, but others don’t.
I will have more on selling your home in future blogs. For now, take a hard look at your house and see what others see when they walk in.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Having gone through the loss of my mother three years ago, I realized that my father did not know how to do the basic tasks needed to maintain his household. For the past 66.5 years, my mother had done all of the housework. It was his task to maintain the outside of the house when they had a single family house, while she focused on the daily running of the home.
This was pretty typical of women of her generation; even if women worked outside the home, they still saw the home as their responsibility. When Mom died, Dad was left without the knowledge and experience he needed to keep their condo looking good. As the daughter of the family, it quickly became my job to keep his home in Florida clean while also maintaining my own house in Maryland.
My dad is not the only man in this situation. The wife of my Sunday school teacher fell ill unexpectedly and became unable to take care of her husband and son in the way they were used to. He had never cooked a meal or run the washing machine in the forty-seven years they had been married.
He is a highly intelligent, well-educated man, yet neither he nor their grown son knew how to prepare a simple meal or what they should do to clean the house. Another woman I know has a retired husband and two grown sons who have never made their own beds. They have no clue about changing sheets; indeed, they once told me that they did not realize that you ever had to wash them!
I was at a wedding reception a few years ago and watched (in horror, I must admit) as a woman was served her meal; she cut everything up on the plate and then traded plates with her husband. Apparently at their house, she was responsible for making it so that her husband never had to pick up his own knife!
This example, true though it is, is a prime example of why my book needed to be written. What would you do as a husband if something happened to your wife and you suddenly had to keep the house clean and tidy?
At the same time, women need to know some basics around the house, as well. Wives, would you know how to handle the various tasks your husband has always completed?
Would you know what had to be done on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis? That is why I am here. Men, my book gives you guidance on how to keep the spider webs at bay, the kitchen mostly sticky-free, and the bathrooms reasonably tidy. For the ladies, I discuss how to pick up the slack left by the absence of your husband.
I hope that you will take some time to follow me, so that you can learn some of the ways to maintain your home yourself. Feel free to ask questions as we make this journey together.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
We all know someone who seems to accomplish a whole lot in her 24 hours. Maybe she is your college professor who teaches 6 different classes at three different colleges, all of which have different starting dates. Perhaps she also writes two blogs twice a week while writing a novel and making presentations on the topic of her dissertation. Perchance she is also keeping her family fed, clothed, and the house clean while also running 8 miles a day, biking 3 miles a day, and walking 4 miles a day.
What in the world? Is this woman nuts? Does she ever sleep? Is she Superwoman? Nope. None of the above (I hope). She is simply organized.
So how is this done while not losing one’s sanity? For starters, she keeps a “to-do” list and crosses things off as they are accomplished. She makes a daily list of what must be done and also has a list on the same page of what it would be nice to do that day. If something is vitally important, it needs to be done FIRST so that the rest of the day will not be spent fretting about having not gotten it completed.
Let’s follow her through a typical day. She keeps her exercise clothes in the bathroom and puts them on before she is totally awake. By the time the fog clears, she is already dressed to exercise, so she might as well do it. Three miles on the bike, eight miles on the treadmill and that is done. BTW, if she was taking a class right then, she would have a study guide for one of her classes blown up into 16 point font and displayed on her bulletin board in front of the treadmill so she could study while running. If she was not taking a class, she would pray for her students and the folks on her church prayer list (again, posted on her bulletin board, filling otherwise non-productive time). Ninety minutes later, she is done and it is only 7 am.
Next, she gets ready for her day, studying while blow drying her hair or reading a current magazine in the 7 minutes it takes to get her hair dry. That way, she is keeping up with the world in general while using otherwise non-productive time. She does her makeup without distraction because telemarketers haven’t figured out that she is up and at ’em by 7 am. She dresses in an outfit suitable for the entire day (when possible) so that she only has to dress once.
Breakfast means Bible study time and/or catch up with the family. She is out the door by 8:30, to walk 4 miles, grocery shop, or run errands. Home by lunchtime means no fast food (that adds pounds very quickly) and on to her online classes.
She can check in on 6 classes within a couple of hours, if there are not many assignments due. She grades on a daily basis, so that there are very few marathon grading sessions and so that her students can get immediate feedback on every assignment. They appreciate knowing how to improve their grades for the next assignment by following her in-depth feedback on this one. She keeps a month-at-a-glance calendar next to her computer so that she can track which week each of the three colleges is in, which students will have assignments due that week, and when her discussion boards open to students.
During the online class time, she makes a point of getting up and moving every 45 minutes by setting an oven timer. She also has a Varidesk, which allows her to fluff her pillow as need be. Classes are usually completely done by 2:30 or 3, so she can take a few minutes to fold the two loads of laundry she did while teaching (the 45 minutes between breaks is enough time to transfer washing into the dryer and then take it out when it is dry).
She can spend the rest of the time until dinner preparation time to blog or write her novel. To remain faithful to writing, she sets her oven timer for 45 minute increments. After visiting with the family during dinner, she can spend more time writing until Jeopardy is on. Following the game show, there is time to watch a little bit of Doc Martin before an early bedtime.
Do you think she is nuts or just well-organized? I hope you think the later, instead of the former!
Best,
Dr. Sheri
P.S. Welcome to my life!
Hello everyone:
Here are some tips for moving to a new location if you have small children:
When I was in the process of becoming a suddenly single mom, my small son had an interesting comment as we prepared to move out of the apartment I had shared with my soon-to-be-ex-husband and into our new condo.
His father had left for greener pastures when our son was two; he was now three years old and I told him it was time to move on. He remarked, “But Mommy, if you move, who’s going to live with me?” It crushed my heart to think he was afraid that I was leaving him, as well.
Although I had planned on putting him with a sitter while we moved, I immediately changed my mind and had him become a part of the moving process. It would have been easier to let someone else keep an eye on him that day, but I realized that he needed to be involved.
His behavior could not have been better on the day of our relocation, as I let him “direct” the loading of his toys into the moving van and then had him tell our helpful friends where to put his boxes of toys in the new condo. He had “bought” into the idea of having a new bedroom and did not have any new-home anxieties as we changed our place of residence.
What moving tips can you share with everyone? I would love to hear your ideas for “moving house” as they say in England, when you have little ones to bring with you.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
I got a church newsletter from my great aunt’s church of many years and I was struck by how a few people can make a huge difference in the lives of others.
The last time I visited her church, the normal attendance on a Sunday morning was 271 people over two services. Not a huge group, but faithful folks who regularly met together.
These folks have a ministry to their community all year round but they go out of their way to minister to others at Christmastime. They take homemade cookies to people who have to work on Christmas day, such as firemen and women, hospital workers, and police.
Their newsletter that arrived at my home today has numerous thank you notes from folks who they have helped in the last month: for some, the church paid their gas or electric bill; to others, food was brought in during a time of someone’s difficulty; for those unable to get out and about, small Christmas trees (apparently full-decorated) were given to cheer the stay-at-home invalids.
What a wonderful way to go out of their way to help those unable to help themselves! What experiences have you had with being blessed by the actions of a few?
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
The holidays can be very difficult as we navigate seldom-seen relatives amidst a flurry of activity. We can find tempers frayed as we become sleep-deprived as a result of increasing responsibilities. Too much to do in too little time can add to our holiday stress, and a limited income in addition to holiday bills can add to those challenges.
Put in a liberal dose of illness or infirmity, too much togetherness in too tight a space, and you have a disaster waiting to happen.
So what can we do? Ask for help. Don’t take all of the jobs on yourself. Pray. Take time to read your Bible. Try to stay on as normal a schedule as possible. Respect others’ need for privacy and ask that they acknowledge your need. Reach out the to person who seems determined to give you the hardest time, if you can. Take a walk when things seem overwhelming.
Depend on God to help you make it through. And, yes, it can be helpful to have a personal countdown of how many days you have left in this season. Give yourself something to look forward to, such as lunch out with a friend, and do not let anyone talk you out of this personal time that you need.
I pray that you will make it through successfully, and that you will have a blessed holiday!
Best,
Dr. Sheri
P.S. Now excuse me while I go make the family dinner, set up for it, and do the laundry while everyone else is at the beach. Oh, well….. I love my family and this is the way that I serve God.