Hello everyone:
What’s in your future, just waiting around the corner? Sometimes we think we have life all figured out. We’re going to do a, b, and c and d will happen. We’re going to marry the man or woman of our dreams and live happily ever after. Sometimes we do and sometimes it does. Other times, not so much.
Maybe you find out the Prince Charming has morning breath or stinky feet or a bad temper…or maybe he is a serial adulterer who makes fun of your unquestioning loyalty. Maybe, to your spouse, marriage means you use someone as a place holder while he continues to look for Ms. Right (because, sweetie, you ain’t it).
Perhaps your dearly beloved dropped dead of a heart attack or got hit by a bus. My, these certainly are morbid thoughts! While none of us want to dwell on them, we do need to be prepared for when the unexpected does occur.
So, if you are happily hitched or satisfactorily single, you can still make sure that your financial house is in order, that you have made plans for any responsibilities you have should anything happen to you, and that your loved ones know your wishes. I mean, what if your spouse thinks an appropriate song for your funeral is “Love is Always Better the Second Time Around” and you had your heart set on “You are my Special Angel?”
If your precious spouse has passed without warning or the man of your dreams turns out to be a nightmare, please be certain that you can carry on, regardless of your marital status. Do you know how to balance your checkbook, pay bills, do routine household maintenance, and get that blasted critter out of your garage without breaking your nails? Are you aware of when trash day occurs, when the water treatment system needs more salt, and how to determine if there’s a mouse in your house?
These are all things that I cover in Suddenly Single Tips and I hope you will scroll through some of my other blog postings. Also, let me know if there’s a specific topic you’d like me to cover.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
I meet people all the time, usually widows, whose lives are not turning out the way they had planned. They had pictured their sunset years being spent with their dearly beloved hubbies and then the fellows up and died on them. Another group of gals I meet had thought the men they had given their hearts to would always be there, until one day they weren’t, having thought the grass was greener elsewhere (honey, that’s because it’s over the septic tank, as Erma Brombeck used to say).
What’s next in your life? Take stock of where you are financially. Where will you live? How will you support yourself? While I realize you are going through a very emotionally draining time, you have to figure out how you will live and how you will eat next week, next month, next year, and years from now. It’s not romantic, but it is necessary.
If you are a widow, then things may be pretty cut and dried. Your hubby hopefully left a life insurance policy that you can benefit from and made some financial plans for your future without him.
If you are a divorcee, then maybe things aren’t so rosy, especially if your hubby had the opportunity to stash some joint assets (cash) before he hit the road (or tried to get you to leave home by making it miserable for you if you stayed).
In any event, find those documents you hoped you’d never need and get someone in the know to explain what they mean to your financial future. I met a gal recently whose former in-laws got her to sign over her rights to her deceased husband’s life insurance policy, saying “we’ll take care of you.” I’m not a lawyer and I’m not giving you any legal advice, but don’t sign anything over to anybody until you talk to an attorney and find out your rights.
Hang in there. This, too, shall pass and you will make it!
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Perhaps you are a suddenly-divorced person or a unexpectedly-widowed individual. Maybe your spouse announced that he or she no longer wanted to live in the same state as you do or perchance your spouse got hit by a bus and never came back home. Whatever the case, you did not plan on this new road. Your possibly carefully-planned life ahead has now taken a massive shift and you are stuck not knowing what to do or where to turn.
While this sounds horribly morbid (and possibly is), you can make a new way for yourself. Let’s chat for a few minutes here. What is something you have always wanted to do but your spouse was never on board with it? What have you always wanted to learn or experience or visit? What are your wildest dreams that somehow always got pushed aside for other concerns?
Guess what? Financial concerns aside, perhaps this is the opportunity you have waited for your whole life. Perhaps you always dreamed of learning to ballroom dance but you spouse hated it…there is probably an Arthur Murray studio somewhere nearby. Go for it! You don’t need a partner (they will supply one) and this is your chance to pretend you’re on Dancing with the Stars. (Have you checked out Drew Scott dancing to The Rainbow Connection- that’s worth a visit to the website).
A very good friend of mine loves helping people whose lives have been changed by disasters. Her hubby wouldn’t have liked her to be gone at the drop of a hat, but she’s a widow now and so off she goes. She helps change the lives of others for the better at a time when they may be grieving or facing a some natural disaster. She’s right there to support and guide them.
Yes, your life is different now. Would you have chosen this new road? Probably not. But you’re here now, so go for it and live your dreams.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Have you ever gotten stuck, really stuck in a rain storm and not known how to use your car’s windshield wipers? Maybe you’ve borrowed a friend or family member’s car. Perhaps you have rented a car to take you to that first big job interview.
And then it begins to rain. Folks, that’s not the time to search for the location of the wipers. It’s also not the best time to figure out how to turn them on (every car is different, or so it seems).
I was on a trip to Florida, which is known for torrential rainstorms, when suddenly it began to pour. I was about an hour and a half from my condo when the storm struck and it was as if someone was standing by the side of the road, pouring water on my car.
It was dark, which didn’t help matters one iota. The streetlights were few and far between which made things worse. And then I couldn’t figure out which way to flick the wiper switch. (It was not intuitively obvious!)
Here’s my personal recommendation: figure this out before you get on the road, especially if rain is forecast. Have you ever had this challenge? It’s not fun, trust me. Next time, perhaps I’ll talk about trying to open the gas door on an unfamiliar car, and wanting to refill your tank before you run out. Another issue: the location of the gas gauge isn’t always where you expect- you could be looking at the engine temperature light instead. (And you thought you were just getting great gas mileage!)
Have a great day and feel free to share your tales of woe.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
I don’t usually address the emotional aspects of becoming suddenly single, but a student of mine reminded me today of just how devastating it can be. It’s not the same as losing a spouse to death, since the dead spouse most likely wanted to be with you and your children. The divorced spouse didn’t.
One thing I find is, when someone says he or she “wants their own space,” it’s because they’ve found someone else to fill it. That is extremely difficult, especially if you are a faithful spouse who wanted to spend the rest of your life with your hubby or wife.
What can you do? I suggest joining a group of folks in the same boat, such as DivorceCare, which is available at many churches these days. Even denominations that do not condone divorce are offering it, and I understand that it can be very helpful.
The thing I want to tell you is that you are a good person. You are worthwhile; you are loved by someone, even if that person is no longer your wayward spouse. You can get through this and you will make it. Once you understand that, please do return again and again to my website, where you will find helpful tips for “what do I do now” and “what do I need to do next.”
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
While visiting in Florida, where I have cable, I binge watch home improvement shows while teaching online. Have you seen some of the ideas that home owners apparently thought would work well?
Some homeowners cemented their entire backyard. Perhaps they thought the new owners wouldn’t enjoy mowing. Maybe the owners could have gotten a “pass” on this if they had taken the time to paint it green (more grass-like but without the weeds?). The good news is that poly silk flowers were not “planted” to accent the concrete.
Another owner installed a black toilet in a white bathroom. Everything was white except for the toilet. Multiculturalism at its finest? What was he or she thinking?
Another couple had a hand-painted mermaid on their bathroom wall. The gal who painted it was not gifted artistically. When their realtor suggested painting a neutral color over it, the man hugged his weeping wife, whose handiwork it was. Oh, my.
This must be a “bathroom post” because some other owners had developed a leak in their bathtub and shower stalls so they used roofing material to coat the floors in both bathrooms. This is not recommended, either.
What should you do? If you decide to sell your home, contact your local full time real estate agent and get his or her to walk your property. Get a list of what he or she thinks would be needed to sell your home for the highest price in the quickest time frame and do it, if finances permit. I have other blog postings on this topic, so you will want to visit those postings, as well, for more information along this line.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
You know those weird sounds that you have been hearing, the ones that sound like scratching? Do you sometimes find strange brown turds on your counter tops? Have you ever found Christmas ornament boxes full of destroyed, formerly stringed ornaments? Have you ever reached into a cardboard box that you had in the shed and saw something move out of the corner of your eye?
My dear, you have mice (or, at the very least, mouse). Keep in mind that these critters are very fertile and letting one live with you can lead to your having a whole colony of mice. You need to get rid of them ASAP.
There are various ways of doing this; we have effectively used baited traps in our garage and basement. The upside is that the traps can be baited with peanut butter; the bad news is that you have to get rid of the mouse after you catch it and it may still be alive, just stuck.
When a mouse threatened the sanity of my time working in our garage a few years back, we put out a snare, only to find that the mouse survived the entrapment. When the little critter showed up for the peanut butter feast, my hubby was out of town, so I managed to get the mouse and trap into the middle of the garage, covered it with a layer of cardboard (to protect my tires), and drove back and forth over the covered mouse until there were no more signs of life underneath.
I then swept the entire contraption outside and moved the car back into the now-mouse-free space. The deceased rodent thoughtfully remained under the cardboard until my husband returned home, though it might have looked a bit odd to the neighbors.
A good friend of mine has a cat that periodically demonstrates its love by depositing half-dead mice at her feet. After she got somewhat used to this method of devotion, she said that her favorite means of removal was to pick the rodent up with a large pair of kitchen tongs and place the unfortunate animal in the toilet, for rapid flushing.
She must have a really high-quality toilet, since there is no problem with the toilet accepting the mouse for disposal. If you have a toilet that might not take such deposits, you might be better off using the tongs to toss the creature outside in order to rid your home of it.
However, if the animal does not die, you could have a problem with a mad, injured mouse returning to torment your life via the courtesy of your cat, since the mouse would be considerably easier to catch in its current condition.
How do you eliminate the little guys that you don’t want hanging around? I would love to hear your ideas!
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Today begins a new adventure: my start of research on planning ahead for those who have never married but want to share their stories on how they have planned ahead for a future where they may need care.
Let me tell you a story: A friend of mine shared with me last week that he met a man via craigslist who was selling everything he owned in order to move into an assisted living home. He had never married, had no children, and had watched as his family and friends died over a period of time. He now needed some help with the basic necessities of life and had no one to turn to. What was he to do?
My friend contacted him about an item he wanted to buy and, when my friend got to the man’s house, the fellow shared his story. My friend told me ” I just bought 4 lamps I don’t need, in an attempt to help this guy out. Please write a book that can offer advice to people who are heading towards situations like this one, so that they can avoid it.”
To do this, I need your help. If you know someone with a story to tell or advice to offer, please ask him or her to post a comment on my blog at www.suddenlysingletips.com I will not identify the contributor in the book, though I will thank him or her in my acknowledgements section. Thanks so much for passing this blog posting along to your friends. I am working on making my social media presence stronger, and appreciate all of your help!
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Many years ago, I was the “Chief Grief Lady” (thanks to Erma Brombeck for that title!) at a bank in Florida.
It was always so sad when I had to inform a recent widow that, no, just because she had checks in her checkbook, it did not mean that she had money in the bank.
Many women, whose husbands had always taken care of things financial, approached my desk with fear and trepidation because they could not understand why they kept getting overdrawn notices in the mail.
I tried to explain that you have to make deposits in order to have cash available, but these women had gone from the care of their fathers to being taken care of (and kept totally in the dark) by their husbands. I eventually turned the widows over to the vice president of the bank, so that he could try to explain what was happening to the bereaved women. It was never a pretty picture. It was pathetic.
Folks, please make sure you understand the ins and outs of banking. Do not go from your father’s home to your husband’s house with absolutely no idea of how to make a deposit, balance a checkbook, or write a check. If your spouse pays bills on line, make sure that you know any and all passwords, so that, should the unthinkable happen, you will not be dunned for overdue accounts, or find your electricity has been shut off.
What ideas or stories can you share with my readers? I would love to hear from you.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hi Everyone:
Sometimes we get so bogged down in our troubles that we forget how to laugh. I wanted to share this wonderful and, yes, absolutely silly, recording that I heard today. I hope you enjoy it and pray that it lightens your load. https://stevelaube.com/fun-fridays-may-18-2018/#comment-162515
Best,
Dr. Sheri