: Divorcees

When Your Best Isn’t Enough, It Might Not Be You

Hello everyone:

Let me tell you a story. There was (and still is!) this gal who was sharp, nice-looking, wealthy, and nice. Her hubby gave commands to “jump” and she always asked “how high?” She supported every career decision he made (note who made the decisions) and followed him around the country, always laying aside her own aspirations without complaint. None, zip, zilch, nada.

He found a younger woman and decided his wife was “old hat,” moving boatloads of their money off shore before his wife found out and put a stop to it. The guy is now dead (no, she didn’t kill him, though she might have liked to!) but, before he died, he had lost the respect of folks he knew who looked to him for spiritual guidance as well as business advice.

The other gal took good care of herself, always touching up her makeup before her hubby got home from work. Like the other gal, she worked out regularly, devoted herself to her husband’s well-being, while also having outside interests. She was well-read, to make herself more interesting to others. He found her “boring” once he spied a younger woman at work who thought he’d hung the moon.

Like the other gal, she had followed her decision-making hubby around the country, giving up her own thriving careers to support his. Like the other gal, her hubby found greener pastures to graze in.

What is the take-away? You can be a superb person and still have a wandering hubby. The guilty fellow will most likely blame you. My dear, you gave your best to this schmuck. Don’t let him (or anyone else) tell you that you didn’t deserve your husband. Dear friend, he didn’t deserve you. Keep your chin up! It wasn’t your fault!

Best,

Dr. Sheri

 

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Unplanned move out

Hello everyone:

One of my former co-workers had a massive shock when he returned home from work one evening. He noticed that the house seemed a bit different when he pulled up, but it was not until he got inside his home that he realized that all of the curtains were missing. He also found that his living room was devoid of furniture.

Sure enough, he went from room to room and found nothing in them. His dining room contained a folding table and one folding chair in place of the formal dining room set that had been there that morning. He went into the kitchen and found one fork, one spoon, one knife, one plate, one cup, one bowl, and one glass sitting on the counter next to a single kitchen towel.

He climbed the stairs, where he found his children’s bedrooms completely empty; the master bedroom’s king sized bed had been replaced by a twin bed with a set of sheets, a pillow, and a single blanket stacked on it. The bathroom had a shower curtain liner but the fancy shower curtain that he had just seen earlier that day had vanished. There was one towel and a single washcloth in the vanity.

A knock came on the door; a male neighbor was standing outside, holding a pot of stew. He told my co-worker that they had not known how to get ahold of him (this was before the days of cellphones and he had never told them where he worked), but that, as soon as he had left for work that morning, a moving van had pulled up to the house and his wife had directed the sudden move-out.

The neighbor offered to stay with him while he absorbed the information, but my co-worker thanked him, took the pot of stew, and went inside to face the fact that he was now unexpectedly single. He knew that he and his wife had been having some problems in their marriage, but he had no idea of her plans.

They eventually got divorced, with his wife keeping all of their furniture and being awarded one half of the value of the house. She was also awarded alimony and child support, but this was more than 30 years ago and men could get out of paying these monthly court-awarded fees by moving out of state.

He was so mad that he took a job in a nearby state and moved there. He did not pay her anything, saying that she had poisoned the kids against him and he would see them again when they were old enough to drive over to the state where he now lived to visit him. He could have been arrested for nonpayment of alimony and child support, had he returned to their state so he did not go there again.

Do you have a tale of woe to share? I found this story heart breaking, even though the guy was a bit of a jerk.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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Be of good courage

Hello everyone:

The future is unknown but be of good courage. This is a pep talk for anyone who is facing an uncertain future. As a Christian, I believe that God is in control. He knows the number of hairs on our heads (and their actual color….just sayin’ here) and the days of our lives. He has a future planned for all of us that may be absolutely amazing, as we trust in Him.

Your life may not be unfolding as you planned. Maybe you lost your spouse to death or divorce. That was not in your game plan. Maybe your spouse decided that someone else looks a lot better to him or her than you do. Hang in there.

I met a young-ish gal recently who is a superb person. Her hubby decided that the cutie pie at work looked more attractive than she did. As a result, she is on her own, having given him the “best years of her life.” Folks, the best years could very well be ahead, not behind you. What she gave was her youth, but not necessarily the best years she had in her.

Hang in there, my friends. The best may very well be to come! In the meantime, please use my website as a source for “what in the world do I do now?”

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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Moving Blues

Hello everyone:

I was talking with a dear friend last night, one whose wife is just getting ready to move their household to another state where my friend got a new job. They are concerned about moving blues, and I thought you might enjoy some thoughts on the matter. Since some of you will be moving out of your family home, there are some emotional issues that you will want to take into consideration.

First, it will take about six months for you to adjust emotionally to your new normal. Studies have shown that women especially have some trouble getting used to the new location. Perhaps you have lived many years in your old home and now circumstances are requiring that you move.

Please understand that you may have dark clouds over your emotional health for a while as you adjust. You aren’t going nuts; this is normal.

Next, don’t have a Pity Party, especially if you like to serve refreshments. This will add pounds and will make you feel even worse.

Try to get involved in a new church and/or a new job as quickly as you can. Finding new friends is vital to feeling better more quickly. Your hubby might have headed off to a new job in the past. He adjusted to the move faster than a stay-at-home wife would, simply because he had new folks to chat with. Isolation will murder your emotional state, so get involved fast, for your own health. There’s nothing worse than getting into that new home and realizing that you don’t have a local friend to call to hang out with.

You might find it helpful to call an old friend and share a cup of coffee with her via the phone. We do have new options that gals a few years back didn’t have. Long distance telephone charges are no longer an issue, so you might try this as a temporary solution. Do keep it temporary, though, because you need to get back on the horse that threw you as soon as possible and got out and meet new people.

Finally, just know that this, too, shall pass. You will meet new friends who will care. Yes, it’s hard but you can do this!

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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Figuring out where you go from here

Hello everyone:

So, your marriage is over or your dearly beloved spouse has died. Where do you go from here? That’s a great question and it’s one that only you can answer.

First things first, however. You need to adjust to your new normal, whatever that is. Don’t rush into things too quickly. Yes, the swing next to you on the playground is empty, like the gal in this picture, but make sure that you have your own life together before you add anyone new to it. Baggage can weigh you down. Don’t remarry just because you need someone to take out the trash, ladies (this is not Alice’s Restaurant here!). Gentlemen, don’t rush into things just because you need someone to do the laundry and you’re running out of clothes!

This blog offers some very practical advice on how to get the garbage to the side of the curb and how to create a new wardrobe, so take some time out before you jump back into the fray. I hope you’ll take some time to explore the various topics herein and do ask questions if there’s something I didn’t cover that you’d like to read about.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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Garage doors can be fun

Hello everyone:

Garage doors are an awesome thing, especially if you have an electric garage door opener. Pulling them up and down under your own power can be a wet activity if it is raining and a snowy activity if it is snowing, so it’s just plain nice to have an electric one do the job for you.

If you lose the power to your house, you will find it difficult to get your car out of the garage, so you will have to pull the emergency cord that hangs down from the opener in order to release the lock it has on the door. If you pull this rope, it will disengage from the opener. This will allow you to manually open the door and get your car out. Once you are outside, pull the garage door down by hand and turn the handle so that the door locks.

Your garage door opener will not work when you come back home after the power is on. You will have to go into the house, come through the garage, get on a ladder, and reattach the opener.  Release the door lock on the door so that your garage door opener can function properly.

[Note: If you do not do this correctly, you could really mess up the garage door, which would collapse under the strain of being opened when it is locked. You do not want that to happen, so make sure that everything is hooked back up correctly and that the door is unlocked.]

If you have done it right, you will then be able to push the garage door opener button and pull your car back inside. If you have not done it properly, you will destroy your garage door.

I had a friend who got into his car, turned it on, and backed out. He’d forgotten to open the garage door. Things did not go well for him. Always open the door before moving in or out.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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The placid lake can cover up a multitude of ripples

Hello everyone:

The picture in today’s blog posting looks so calm and serene. There doesn’t seem to be a ripple, but there could be a lot going on under the surface that we never see.

Marriage can be like that, too. Maybe you had a marriage where everything looked great. Perhaps you were even one of those folks who had the perfect Facebook marriage. But there was stuff happening behind the scenes that no one ever saw, until now.

My friend, you are not alone, though it may seem that way.  Please understand that you can have a calm, serene life again, even though it might not seem that way right now, in this instant.

If you need help managing your household as you make the transition from married to single again, you are in the right place. This website has advice I have gathered from experts in their field. If you have a question that I haven’t answered, ask in the comment area of any blog posting and I will check into it and get back to you.

This website is here for you, to help you answer the question, “What do I do now?”

Hugs,

Dr. Sheri

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Changing Clocks

Hello everyone:

In the fall, we “fall back” and in the spring time, we “spring ahead.”

You will need to know how to change the clocks in your house, unless you are fond of being either habitually early or always late, depending on the time of year.

If you have challenges figuring out how to change the time on your current clocks, you might want to purchase some clocks that automatically adjust for Daylight Saving Time.

You also need to change the time in your car; look at your owner’s manual for tips on how to do that; it’s easy, do not fear. If all else fails, go to your place of worship and ask one of the tech-savvy teens to change it for you.

If you cannot adjust your watch, go to a jewelry store in the mall and ask the folks there to give you a hand. With your watch, if all else fails, buy another watch and keep one set for springing ahead and the other for falling back. Don’t forget where you put them and which one is which, or you won’t be on time any time.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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The sunset of life might not turn out the way you planned

Hello everyone:

Sometimes I run into women who were taken by surprise when their marriages ended. Maybe those marriages ended quietly, with the love draining from their relationships like the soapy water in your kitchen sink. They didn’t see the bottom of the sinkhole that their marriage had become, but suddenly it was gone. The sink was empty and so was their marriage. Other times, things went out violently, with screaming and bad feelings obvious on both sides of the equation.

What are you going to do? The first thing you might want to consider is your budget. You don’t want to overspend your income. Things will not end well for you, if you do. I know some gals who simply charge everything, expecting that some how, some way, they will catch up eventually. That road is the way to financial ruin.

You might not like what you find out. Your style of living will probably suffer, but you can get on the road to financial stability. I recommend Financial Peace University, if you have a group nearby.

So, sit down and figure out all of your living expenses. Mortgage or rent, electricity, insurance, student loans (if you have them), food, car expenses, internet service provider services, hair appointments, clothing, medical care, credit card bills, and child care costs. Add in anything you can possibly think of. Then add in a bit more for whatever you forgot.

What is your income? Subtract your expenses from your income and see how much money you have left (or how much you need).

Do not panic. Do not set this aside and hope for better things. Face it, no matter how difficult. Visit your pastor and ask for help, if you need it.  Do not stick your head in the financial sand and pretend that this isn’t happening. It is and you can do something about it.

Take care,

Dr. Sheri

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How will you spend the autumn of your life?

Hi everyone:

Life sometimes doesn’t turn out like we planned. Maybe you thought that you’d be with your one and only for the rest of your life. But then something happened.

Perhaps you saw it coming. Maybe not. The question is: What are you going to do with the rest of your life?

Perhaps you’d like to move to a new area, get a new job, or redo your old home. Whatever it is, I hope that your new life, your unexpected autumn, turns out really well for you.

As we look at autumn’s leaves, let’s remember how beautiful they can be. Yes, it can be challenging to keep them raked up, but aren’t they lovely? The reds and golden tones can be spectacular.

Whether you realize it or not, your personal autumn can be spectacular, as well.  Look at the new opportunities that have come your way. It’s a fresh start. (No, don’t tell me you’re too old and worn out for a fresh start. Your mindset will determine how the future looks, so keep a positive outlook on things.)

I wish you well during this exciting, new time of life. Please visit my other blog postings to get practical tips for making this a great time of life. Oh, and be sure to keep your leaves raked up- they eat the daylights out of your grass, which you won’t enjoy finding dead come spring.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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