: Divorcees

Hints that there is trouble in paradise

Hello everyone:

Okay, sometimes folks are slow on the uptake. I had a male co-worker many years ago who didn’t realize his marriage was over until he came home one night and found his house was completely empty and his wife and kids were gone. He told me, “I knew we were having problems but I didn’t realize she was so serious….”

Another friend found that her normally-helpful hubby was unwilling to do ANYTHING for her. She had trouble opening a jar. He looked over at her and shrugged, “Oh, well, I guess you’ll have to figure it out for yourself.” Still another needed help with her computer. The reply? “You’re so smart. You can get it running again.” He was the computer geek; she wasn’t.

Maybe you have shared life with your spouse for _____ years or more and suddenly he or she doesn’t want anything to do with you. That’s a hint, most certainly. Avoidance becomes the name of the game, or perhaps constant confrontation has become your new lot in life. These are all dead giveaways that there is trouble in paradise.

What can you do? Well, there’s an old bromide that “it takes two to tango” and that is certainly true. A real challenge with some of the gals I’ve talked to is how their well-meaning friends sometimes tell them it’s their fault they are losing their hubby. If only they were more ________ (submissive, understanding, thoughtful, or whatever), their hubby would still be interested in them.

I wonder how many of you have found that to be true: that it’s your fault that the marriage failed. I would love to hear from you, either about your own experience or that of someone you know (no names or locations, please).

Let’s talk.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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Organizing to Move: Part Five

Hello everyone:

When you are getting ready to move, don’t forget to set things up for your new home. You will need electricity, water and sewer, trash pickup, and internet access. If possible, ask your real estate agent for the names and phone numbers you will need to establish your new accounts.

Don’t be surprised by security deposit requests.  They can add up but you may be able to avoid some of them, if you have good credit. They will check!

Don’t be surprised by the lead time required to set your accounts up. Some folks will want two weeks or more, while others will ask you not to call until you are less than two weeks from your move. Changing things over from the former residents to you is very important, but the only way you can find out required lead times is by calling or emailing the service provider and asking.

Do you have decals for your trash cans? You can pay for them at City Hall in one place. Other towns include trash pickup with your taxes and you don’t need decals. Check it out before you need it!

What about a mover? They can be pretty pricey! You may have an ex who refuses to help you move. This can run into the thousands of dollars, so figure it out ahead of time. It may be cheaper to leave the old furniture with your ex and buy new, rather than paying through the nose to have your furniture moved.

I got a recent estimate for moving my bedroom, living room, and dining room and no appliances. The fee? It was going to cost $4700 for a one-day move. How much is your old bed worth? How much would a new one cost? Would you rather have a brand new bed or the one you shared with your ex? How much is a new dresser? I would think you could buy a pretty nice one for $4700. Food for thought.

I would love to hear your thoughts (and horror stories) on this one!

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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Christmastime in singlehood

Hello friends:

Everywhere you look, others are getting ready to celebrate the holiday season with their family. But what if you are all alone? They’re posting holiday photos of parties they are giving or are going to and you aren’t invited.

This can be a rough time of year, my friend. Perhaps it is too late for this year, but let’s do some advanced planning for next year, shall we?

I have a good friend who is a single gal. She’s a never-married, but that doesn’t stop her from having folks over to party. She puts on fancy clothes, and her always-ready smile, and hosts get together gatherings herself. Yes, she is technically alone but you wouldn’t know it from her contagious smile on Facebook.  People want to join her parties because she has such a sense of fun. How about you?

Perhaps your budget won’t allow for a huge gathering, but how about a potluck party? Or perhaps just a dessert gathering (hey, that sounds like fun!). You could even invite folks over for cookies and punch, if that is more in line with your finances. The important thing here is to invite others and have a good time.

Maybe you are a charitable giver. How about joining the folks who place wreaths on the graves of fallen soldiers, or serving at a soup kitchen, or helping with your church’s annual Christmas party for community members? These are all things that take you out of your comfort zone for a while and allow you to give without a financial contribution.

Yes, it’s hard being alone, especially if you didn’t plan on this. This might not have been your choice, and it wasn’t even Plan B, C, or D, but it happened. Let’s work together to rejoin the world. You can do this! Be encouraged.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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If you’re renting, watch the small print

Hello everyone:

A couple of gals I’ve never met had a problem. Apparently, they did not read the fine print of their lease. It said that they couldn’t have any pets. They got a couple of dogs. It might have seemed like a good idea, but it cost them their home.

You see, along with the fine print that said they couldn’t wear outside shoes in the house and that they couldn’t put more than two small nails in each wall, it also said “no pets.”

Maybe they didn’t take it seriously, but their landlord did.  Oops! [For the record, they also have to keep the driveway shovels when it snows. I don’t know if they did or not (it snowed 12 inches in that town this past weekend), but the pets deal was enough to do their lease in. ]

When you rent a place, make sure that you do read the fine print because, even if you don’t think the landlord will care, he or she might care a lot and you could end up out on the street. Like they did.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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Organizing to Move: Part Four

Hello again:

I’m getting ready for my 23rd move as an adult, so here’s some more hard-won advice on packing up.

Do you love books as much as I do? As an English and Communication dual major, books are my diamonds. (Hey, diamonds are fun, but they aren’t available at Barnes and Noble, at least as far as I know. They also aren’t in my budget!).

But (and this is a huge “but”) do you really need to keep the cookbooks that your ex collected but never used? Yes, friends, I confess to having books from a marriage that ended in 19whatever….I never used them, except by mistake, and he didn’t want them when he headed for greener pastures (I don’t mean to comment on his girlfriend here, but you know what hangs out in pastures…. but I digress).

The dust bunnies on those books have dust bunnies of their own…let’s toss them. Do you really want a book that contains recipes from folks who probably died of heart failure, based on the ingredients in the foods described therein? I didn’t think so.

If you have some books that it would break your heart to give up, keep them by all means. But how about the ones with mediocre story lines or outdated information? Give them away or donate them to someone somewhere. Just don’t take them with you. (I’m preaching to the choir here!)

Put the books in small boxes, so that you can lift them, especially if you’re a single gal who has to move herself. Mark on the boxes the types of books they contain (for my own situation, my office books need to go in – of all places- my office when I get to my new home. My reading-for-enjoyment books will go in my living or family room. You get the idea.)

Next up, getting your family photos organized for the move, especially if they’ve never been anywhere but stuck in a basket. In the meantime, get those books packed and do share any tips you have with us.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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Organizing to Move: Part Three

Hello everyone:

Moving along, let’s get things moving….Okay, so you routed through your closet, you started packing up heavy things in small boxes and lighter things in bigger boxes, so what’s next?

Let’s check out seasons. If you are moving in the winter, you can go ahead and pack up your summer things (unless you’re moving some place warm!). If you have a bunch of things that you haven’t worn in more than a year, please consider donating them to a charity. Why do you need to keep your engagement dress, especially if you’re getting a divorce? Do you think your daughter is going to want to wear it, given your marriage results (if you are dissolving your matrimonial bonds)? Probably not.

Now let’s move into a room that you have but that you don’t use much. In my house, that’s the cellar. I have 23 boxes of Christmas decorations. This year, I didn’t do much more than put out a couple of boxes of snowmen, due to my son’s wedding activities. Therefore, a good place for me to continue packing would be the cellar. Just because something is packed well for sitting in the cellar, it does not mean it’s ready for a cross-country trip in a moving van, so double-check each box carefully.

The next room I would pack would be the guest room, probably because I’m not expecting any guests between now and moving day. Go through that closet, as well Do you even remember what’s in it? Then you might need to get rid of the contents of that closet. Pack up any decorative items, unless you are using them to stage the house for a faster sale (my real estate friends say that a staged house does sell faster and for more money, so keep this in mind). However, do understand that a cluttered house does not sell faster and is more likely to sit on the market.

Pack up all photographs. This is especially important if you are trying to sell your house because buyers need to picture themselves living in your house, not you and your family living in your house.

Okay, these are the areas to focus on today. Next time, I will focus on another room (or two or three).

Best,

Dr. Sheri

 

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Organizing to move: Part Two

Hello everyone:

So, how’s that closet looking? Time to move on to the other closets in your home, preferably ones that you don’t use too often. That way, you won’t miss what’s already been packed as you wait to move.

Do the same thing that you did with the first closet, removing everything and going through it to see what you don’t need, never use, and don’t want. You may think that you can wait until you get to your new place to go through things, but you probably know people right where you are who could use what you don’t want, so unload stuff before, not after, you move. I once knew someone who packed used Q-Tips. Really? That’s disgusting.

As you pack what you want to keep, make sure that you follow the following advice: Heavy things should be packed in small boxes and light things can go in bigger ones. We don’t want you to need hernia repair when you get where you’re going.

Moving out of the closets, let’s take a look at your bookshelves. (For folks who love books like I do, this constitutes meddling but it must be done.) What books do you have that you will never read again? Give them away.

(I am guilty of holding onto books I never read, as we complete this True Confession time today. I still have my ex-husband’s cookbooks that neither of us ever used. We have been divorced since…humm….how long has it been? …. Since 1980, I have held onto books that promote unhealthy eating. I never use them, they are filled with dust, and guess what I’m gong to get rid of very soon? Right!)

As you pack your books up to move, mark on the four sides of the box which room you want these books to go into in your new home. That way, they’ll start out in the right room, even if you don’t unpack them right away.

Okay, that’s it for today. Have a super packing party and stay tuned for Part Three.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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Organizing to Move: Part One

Hello everyone:

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary….no, wait a minute. That’s already been said.

Let’s start again. When, in the course of divorce court, it becomes necessary to move on….you know, that just doesn’t have the same ring, somehow. Silliness aside, let’s get you prepared for a move you might never have wanted but which is coming true in your life. That stuff you’be been keeping in your closet since you moved into your house twenty-five years ago is not suddenly going to attack you if you get rid of it.

Chances are excellent that you will need to downsize. That means that your former residence of, say, almost 3,000 square feet, will become a whole lot smaller. So how do you plan for that?

Start by going through everything. Do you absolutely need the copies of “fill in the blank” whatever you have been holding on to for a rainy day? Yes, you will need to keep copies of anything related to the IRS, but the menu from Steak and Shake from fifteen years ago when you were thinking about having a party there? No, not so much.

Go through your closets. Blessed be the tie that binds but not in this case. Anything that does fit but you never wear, stuff that hasn’t been in style for five years, or anything that hasn’t fit for ten years is fodder for the rummage sale at church or Goodwill. Get a receipt if you think you’ll use it.

What about your shoes? Do you need fifteen pairs of shoes, ten of which are run down in the heels and are in need of new soles? Are you suddenly going to be attacked by the Shoe Repair Bug and finally get all of them fixed? Probably not, dear friend. Toss them or give them to someone who is not emotionally attached to them (they’ll be able to dump them without guilt).

You know that jar of coins that you have in the back of the closet? That bunch of change that you kept adding to until you couldn’t get any more money into the jar? You can’t move it without serious threat of hernia, I’m guessing. It’s way too heavy. Start now to unload the coins. You can pay for your groceries with change (hey, they probably gave it to you in the first place), so bag some up for every visit to the food store and go through the self-check stand, where change is accepted without groans.

What else is in that closet? Craft stuff that you never completed? Give it away. be brutal. You haven’t had time to finish it in the past “fill in the blank” years. Are you going to be motivated to complete it now? If not, give it to someone who would enjoy having it.

Oh, no. It’s your wedding dress. You may have been saving it for your daughter or granddaughter. That’s very noble. The questions here are several. Will she be able to fit into it? Will she want to wear it? How is it aging? If it’s yellowed with age, she might not find it as attractive as you once did. What is the style? Keep in mind that vintage dresses are one thing; simply old-fashioned and outdated is another. (Now I’m meddling. I can see it in your eyes.)

Okay, that’s enough for today. BTW, I’m posting this ahead of my normal Monday/Friday blog postings because one of my sons is getting married next week and I know it’s going to be a busy time. No, his 4’11” bride is not wearing my gown. I’m 5’6″ in my stocking feet. The height difference alone made the gown loaning unwise.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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Should you decorate for Christmas when times are tough?

Hello everyone:

I meet folks every day who wonder what they should do about their first Christmas sans their spouse.  Should they get out the decorations when all they feel like doing is crawling in the nearest hole?

Let’s chat about it for a minute. Christmas is coming- you see it everywhere you look at the mall. Festive music is being blared from every speaker. Stores are vying for your attention (and your money) with the latest in decorations that scream “spend your money here.”

You can’t even escape it at the grocery store. The center of the store is filled with aisles of wrapping paper and expensive (but cheap) last-minute Christmas gifts. And that all happens around Halloween.

So what’s a newly Suddenly Single gal or guy to do? Here’s what I suggest (keep in mind that I was a decorator for 23 years and decorating is in my blood):

Get a few things out. Perhaps something that was special to you before you met your now-former significant other. What brings you happiness every time you see it? A snowman (or five or ten snowmen)? Your nativity set? A special basket or floral arrangement?

Enjoy the simplicity of those few things. Next year will be better as you adjust to the new normal in your life. But don’t hide under a barrel or jump into the nearest hole. You can make it through. Hang in there and enjoy the presence of a few things that bring you joy.

How have you handled your new life as a single when Christmastime came around? I would love to get your insight.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

 

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Stepping out in faith

Hello everyone:

It can be frightening to start a new life. Maybe you didn’t have a choice in the matter or perhaps this was your decision. I want to encourage you that the best is yet to come.

This is a new chapter in your life, whether you are old of young. I’ve known gals who became divorcees in their 30s and 40s, while others lost their spouse much later in life.

I spoke with a gal just today who told me that one of her friends had been married nearly 50 years when her hubby decided younger was better and took off. How devastating!

The gal, a divorcee herself, told me that she loves her new humble-but-nice home because of the peace of mind it brings to her life. It reminded me of what we used to say when we recited the Home Interiors and Gifts’ Code of Ethics. It said in part:

We believe that the home should be a haven, a place of refuge, a place of peace, a place of harmony, and a place of beauty….

Is your home all of those things? If it isn’t, or if it hasn’t been for a while, maybe this change in your life is just what you need to get your haven back. Step out in faith that better days are coming. What are your thoughts on this?

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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