Hello everyone:
While you might have been the recipient of notes of condolence or comfort, let’s take a few minutes and talk about how to write them. You have the experience of being on the receiving end; now let’s see you start to send some yourself.
First, I suggest that you not use those pre-written cards that cost an arm and a leg at the grocery store. Why? Because they are impersonal and might not reflect either your thoughts or the other person’s need. Additionally, you may be on a tight budget now that your spouse is gone, so why pay $5 or $6 for something that doesn’t fit the exact situation when you are so much better at expressing yourself than you think?
Instead, go to the store and buy a box of blank cards. They can be purchased at many grocery stores and are usually about $7-$8 for 20 blank cards that have a pretty picture on them. They can be used for a variety of reasons, from congratulations, to notes to the ill, to cards of condolence. It is the thoughts that you are expressing that are the important thing; your card will offer strength and comfort.
Your message need not be long- 3 to 5 sentences can express your concern and care for the other person. The good thing about the fact that you are writing, rather than calling or emailing, is that the receiver can reread your card as many times as he or she wants, the person did not need to log in on a computer to read it, and you did not interrupt that person with a phone call.
What do you say? Well, let’s fit it to the situation. [Please note that I am going to write that I am praying for the person because I am a member of the Christian faith. If you are not, then you could write that you are thinking of the person or hoping the individual gets well.]
Here goes: Let’s start with someone who is ill. Perhaps you would like to say something like:
Dear John:
It was quite a shock to hear about your recent surgery for pancreatic cancer. My heart goes out to you, since you are such an active person. I pray that the operation went smoothly and for your strong recovery. You and Mary are in my thoughts and prayers.
Sincerely,
Sue
[Note: You are not trying to show that you had a surgery that was so much worse or that you had an illness that was ten times what he experienced. Nope, this is totally about John and his situation. Keep that in mind as you write.]
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What if the person just lost his or her spouse due to divorce? Let’s try something like this:
Dear Susie:
It saddened me to hear that you and Mark have gotten divorced. Marriage can be difficult and its end can be devastating. I pray for you and the kids daily. If you would like to talk, I am here for you.
Hugs,
Jane
[Note: This is not the time to tell Susie that her hubby was a creep and that you never liked him. She was in love with him at one time; this is not the right time to tell her she has bad taste in men. Trust me, she knows it!]
What if the person’s spouse just died? Let’s go with:
Dear Al:
Sunday mornings were always special to me because I knew that Alice and I would meet up in the ladies’s room at church. Her radiant smile of greeting always warmed my heart. It was so wonderful to see the two of you together because you were so much in love, even after almost 70 years of marriage. It is those moments that I will miss the most as I think of your lovely bride. You and the kids are in my thoughts and prayers as you go through this next stage of life.
Love,
Matilda
[Note: This is the time to mention what you loved the most about the missing spouse. Share some special memory in a positive light. BTW, Alice had only two teeth in her mouth (and they were crooked) but she still radiated love. ]
I hope this blog gives you some ideas for cards you can write. Handwritten notes express your thoughts so beautifully- you can do this! I would love to hear from you. Perhaps there is a special note you received that really touched your heart. When you write back, please use my name, so that it will be obvious that you aren’t spam. I look forward to hearing from you!
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
So, your spouse is gone….he or she is not coming back. Leaving his or her toothbrush on the bathroom counter might be comforting but what will happen if someone you are thinking about dating sees it? It screams “I am not ready for a relationship yet!!!!”
A man I once knew lost his wife when she was only 49. He ended up remarrying….her best friend. After the new wife moved into the family home, she found that her new decorating ideas were not accepted very well. In fact, every time she went to change anything, he told her, “But Annie liked it that way.” After learning that she did not dress as well as Annie, did not cook as well as Annie, and was not (in the long run) as interesting as Annie, she got the message and moved out. They were later divorced.
If you are considering moving on, please make sure that you are ready by getting rid of your wife’s (or husband’s) toiletries. Toiletries only last so long and then you really need to say “so long” to the toiletries. Finding a bottle of congealed formerly-liquid foundation is not at the top of anyone’s decorating list. Used eye liner gets really nasty looking after a few months and a hairy hairbrush is rather morbid, don’t you think?
If you remember that episode of House, M.D. where Wilson finally washes the mug Amber used, you will have the right idea here. I would love to hear your stories about moving on. Please share them with me- who knows, they might end up in my next book! When you comment, please use my name in your posting so that I won’t think you are spam!
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
How do you cope with unexpected visitors in your house? I have a story to tell you about an unwanted house guest: a bat.
It was in the middle of the night (2:30 am) on a Monday when a bat landed on our bed, right between my new husband and me. It took off when we reacted to its presence, heading for my son’s bedroom. My hubby scared it out of my little boy’s room, and it immediately took a turn into our only bathroom.
It landed on a box of tissues; my hubby threw a towel over the box and told me to open the window and punch out the screen. I did as he requested and soon the towel-draped tissue box (complete with the bat) was sailing through the open window. As the bat landed outside, we closed the window behind it.
If you wish to avoid nocturnal visits from critters, make sure that any holes your house has to the outside world are plugged. We went over that old house with a fine-tooth comb, making sure it was sealed against any future invasions!
Do you have any similar stories? I would love to hear from you! Please use my name in your reply, so that I know you aren’t spam (I’ve been getting a lot of that lately!).
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
One of the hardest decisions caregivers have to make is deciding when to take away the car keys. One of my friends had a mother who suffered from dementia. Initially, she still seemed to get around pretty well, but then the day came when she didn’t.
She went to the grocery store one afternoon. The weather was nice; it was the middle of the afternoon, so nothing could go wrong, right? A young woman started to cross the parking lot in front of the older woman, assuming that she would stop. It didn’t happen because the elderly gal pushed the accelerator pedal instead of the brake. The young woman was killed. The older woman finally gave up her keys…….a bit too late for the other gal.
One of my friends from the mall is going through this same situation, except she is the demented one. She knows her memory is bad. She knows that her condition is getting worse, yet she still insists on coming over to visit with the other mall walkers. About a year ago, her family decided that she could no longer live alone and they took away her car keys. She found them and sneaks out of the house when no one else is home. Some day, she may kill someone with her car.
What are your thoughts on this? How have you handled this type of situation with your loved ones?
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
While I was writing about toilet tank woes in an earlier posting, it just occurred to me that I have a real beef about something and I wanted to share it with you.
What is it with that clothing manufacturer that uses the label Sag Harbor???? Their target audience is middle-aged women. Do they really think I need a reminder that everything is headed south????
What do they call their pants? “Thunder Thighs???” What about their blouses? “Jiggle Armpits?” If they had a makeup line, what would they call that? “Give Up Gal?” Folks, cut me a break here! Have you run into any labels that sent your blood to boiling? I would love to hear about it, just for fun.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Have you ever had the handle of your toilet pop up and take on a life of its own? You know how that looks- the handle is all caddywampus and looks as if it will leap up on top of the toilet tank any moment. What do you do? Here is the fairly quite remedy of how to fix it:
Do not scream at it; the handle has merely become loose. Pick up the lid of the toilet tank, and set is aside. Hold onto the recalcitrant handle with your left hand while reaching into the toilet tank with your right. There is a white plastic ring just inside the tank, attached to the handle. You need to get that tightened down so that the handle is once again flush (no pun intended) against the tank.
Normally, we say “righty-tighty, lefty-loosy” but that might not be the case here. Tighten the white plastic ring so that the handle is drawn back against the toilet tank snugly, no matter which direction you need to turn the ring on your particular toilet. Once the handle is no longer sagging, you have fixed the problem and are ready to return the tank lid to its rightful place.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
A very good friend of mine shared some traveling tips and I wanted to pass them along to you, in case you want to go on an unexpectedly-unmarried-now trip. She has a friend in the military who told her about these ideas.
When packing clothing such as dress shirts and pants, put the pants in the bottom of the suitcase, with the legs sticking out the ends (you are draping your pants out the top of the suitcase, down along the bottom, and then up and out the bottom of the suitcase). Fold your dress shirts in half long ways and then drape them in the suitcase, as well. Add your flattened undergarments on top of the clothes which are laying neatly inside the bottom. Then alternate, folding the parts of the clothes sticking out the top and bottom back across the clothes that are along the bottom of the case. This will result in no wrinkles when you arrive at your destination. Remove the clothing and hang it up right away.
If you are carrying knit clothing, fold it longways and then roll it up. You should find that it usually does not wrinkle, but if it does, hang it up and the wrinkles should fall out.
I hope you have a good journey. For some airport traveling tips, please see my other blogs.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Have you ever known someone who claimed he or she would live to be 125? 150? How logical does that sound to you, really? While we all can wish, hoping doesn’t make it true.
One of my newly-single readers has just found out that her hubby’s claim that he would live that long did not come true for him. What can be done, at this point in time?
Well, hopefully, he hoped for the best but prepared for the worst and left her with a paid-off house, no bills, and loads of insurance money. If not, she needs to find a full time financial consultant, an attorney, and an accountant who can walk her what comes next. This is the financial team that I refer to in the first chapter of my first book. Even if he did leave her in the afore-mentioned, nearly-perfect state, she still needs to get some professional financial advice on how to maintain her lifestyle and prepare for her own eventual demise.
Some of the questions she should ask herself include: What do I do about my minor children? Who will care for them if something happens to me? Will I have to care for my elderly parents at some point in time? Do I have a special-needs child that will have to be provided for after my own health declines? Do I have someone reliable to maintain my house and car, or should I take classes and learn to fend for myself? These are not the only questions that will need to be answered; I cover these topics in my second book, which I am currently writing.
What questions do you have about becoming Suddenly Single that you would like to see covered on a future posting? I would love to hear from you and answer any questions you may have about this transition time.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
This is a tough topic but I wanted to share some thoughts about remarrying. It may seem like I am against it, but really I just want to you take things slowly before you jump into something you will regret later.
Take your time getting to know the new person in your life. Have you ever seen this person get mad? How does he or she handle anger? Does this person react by blowing up? Does he or she swear when angry? Is this person a screamer? Does he or she seem almost proud that this (blowing up, swearing, screaming) is the way that his or her parents handled arguments? Does this person mistreat your children? Could you live with these reactions for the next 30 years? One of my friends was divorced when his kids were small and he thought he had found the perfect step-mother for them. One day she was visiting at his house and got mad at the children. She started screaming and slapped one of them on the face. That was the end of that relationship; he never yelled at his children (he spoke to them calmly as needed) and he did not believe in slapping anyone. She apparently did, so she was out of the picture pronto.
Next, what kind of family does this person come from? If possible, watch how this person treats family members, especially those members who are the same sex as you are. If he or she maltreats that individual, eventually he or she will do the same thing to you. Watch out for the person’s siblings. Does he or she have a sibling or two who is absolutely charming to someone’s face, only to cut that person down or mock them when that person is nowhere in sight? That is standard operating procedure in that family. When you aren’t around, chances are good that they will have a few things to say about you.
Does this person show respect for his or her parents? How does this person handle disappointment? Does this person blame others for his or her failures in life? Does this person accept responsibility for his or her own actions? I realize that this might sound mean spirited to examine a person’s family to determine if you wish to continue your relationship with that individual, but someone’s family has a huge influence on his or her life. Having a “funny uncle” might not make a lot of difference to you, but what if you have young children?
Does this individual come from a dysfunctional family? If so, this may be the only example of family life he or she knows. While it is possible that the person has worked very hard to not be like Mom or Dad, when the chips are down, individuals have the tendency to revert to the type of behavior they have seen modeled as a child. Folks, “what’s down in the well comes up in the bucket,” as the old saying says. Could you live with that? Would you want to? What does your potential partner think about his or her mother or father? Does he or she have Mommy or Daddy issues? Do you want to take those issues on? Did his or her opposite-sex parent die when he or she was young? That person might end up blaming you for the fact that his parent died. Check carefully before proceeding here.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Sometimes folks like to travel but they are unfamiliar with how things work at an airport. I have been going between Florida and Maryland once a month for almost three years and there are somethings I have learned about bathroom breaks and flights. Here’s a real big hint: It’s better to go before you go because at least the toilet isn’t moving in the airport, whereas the airborne plane might hit an air pocket at a very inconvenient time.
First, it is easy to know when you ought to visit the restroom before a flight. Once the incoming plane lands, you have about five minutes before folks start coming out of the plane and heading for the nearest bathroom. You need to beat them to the bathroom, unless you enjoy standing in line.
Next, if your plane is already at the gate when you get there, you can figure out how long before you board by keeping an eye on whether or not the door to the hallway leading to the plane is open or closed. If it is open, then you will probably begin boarding pretty soon. You still have time to make it to a nearby restroom, unless you dilly dally. If it is still closed, then you have a longer wait before you board.
Finally, when you land, please keep in mind that the nearest bathroom might not be the one to go to, especially if you are female. If time is not of the essence (i.e. you are not in any discomfort), then you should wait until you get to the second bathroom because the line will be shorter than in the first restroom (unless a flight just landed near that one).
Have a nice trip!
Dr. Sheri