Hello everyone:
One way to keep your spirits up during a difficult time is to have something to look forward to. It doesn’t have to be anything as dramatic as a weeks-long trip; it can be as simple as a window shopping trip or a movie with a friend.
What kind of low-budget-high-fun-level activities can you think of? Maybe going to the latest movie with a close friend is your kind of excitement. Perhaps you prefer going to craft stores or going on nature walks or chatting with a friend over a cup of coffee. It doesn’t have to be expensive to know that, at some time in the near future, you are going to have something to do that takes you away from your business-as-usual life.
You don’t even have to be experiencing a difficult time to enjoy this type of thing. Maybe you are so busy working and taking care of others that you have neglected your own mental health. What would you like to do that gets you out of your present rut that would make your eyes light up?
Are you a practical joker or do you just enjoy talking about a what-if-I-were-into-that-type-of-thing? What kind of non-harmful prank would you pull if no one ever found out that you had done it? Sometimes it is fun just to talk about it.
Seriously, what kind of out-of-the-ordinary idea can you come up with?
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
I have a dear friend whose mother is in her 90s…..well into her 90s. We used to take her mother out to eat frequently, but my friend realized recently that going out a lot really tired her mother. While my friend would love to hang out with me, going out and about on a regular basis, she realized the toll it was playing on her mom. We simply could not keep going about with “business as usual.”
The sad thing is that we really enjoyed getting together……so, an alternative solution was put into place. Instead of our going to lunch or dinner, I go over to her house and visit with the two gals. Her mother is free to sleep or rest in her chair, and my friend and I get to have quality time with one another. It is not necessarily the activity we would chose, but it works and is a lot of fun.
We chat, watch the latest show from the BBC, or could do her most recent puzzle. Care givers have a real burden but there is a way to make their jobs easier, just by being there. How do you deal with the aging of a beloved family member? Do you have any suggestions for care givers, so that the quality of their own lives is enriched by your contribution? I would love to hear from you!
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
A unexpectedly unmarried friend of mine told me when she feels the loneliest. It is not when she is by herself at a sporting event for her son or even at a graduation when he moves on to his next level at school. Nope, her time of feeling the most alone (and somewhat jealous) is when she sees happily married elderly couples sitting at the mall, drinking coffee together.
The mall has a variety of folks, but the ones that make her feel the most isolated are those old folks who have been married since dirt was created and who still find joy in each other’s presence. She watches their shared smiles, their joyous laughter, their private jokes, and their obvious love and devotion and she feels alone in the world. She has a large circle of friends who adore her, a job that she excels in, and a loving family who cherishes her, but she is still one of the no-longer-marrieds.
What does one do in these circumstances? She tries not to look at them too much, without seeming rude. She glances at the folks who stop by to visit with them, the other “tragically unmarried,” to quote a Doc Martin character. How do you handle this isolation? I would love to hear your tips for avoiding those “all alone” and “totally isolated” feelings. Please do share your thoughts; perhaps we can help alleviate some of that accompanying pain by sharing ideas with one another.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
In today’s blog, I wanted to share some news about an upcoming project: Suddenly Single for Military Couples (I do not have a subtitle yet). This is the third book in my Suddenly Single series and I hope you can be a part of it.
I am looking for the family members of veterans, or veterans themselves, who would be willing to be interviewed. The idea here is to share with our readers the what-I-know-now-that-I-wish-I’d-known-then approach to either being deployed or coming back from deployment a changed person as the result of being harmed or killed. (Okay, that sounded a bit strange. Obviously, I don’t want to talk with dead people. What I meant is that I would like to talk with the family that the service person left behind.)
It is my goal to have a book that is by (as a result of the interviews I do) and for military people. I will not identify individual service members or their families in this book, to protect their privacy. If given permission to do so, I will list the families in my acknowledgment section. I am the daughter of a World War 2 Navy veteran, the ex-wife of a U.S. Air Force veteran, the mother of a 100% disabled Army veteran, and the sister-in-law of a Coast Guard veteran. My heart is with our service people; the royalties from this endeavor will go to benefit charities that support them. [Fisher House is the charity that I am leaning towards, since they provide free housing to military families whose parent/spouse is in the hospital.]
If you know someone who would be willing to chat with me, or if you are a veteran who would like to be a part of this book, please comment in the comment section of this blog. I will be in touch. Thanks ever so much!
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Yesterday afternoon, I was scheduled to take a flight from Florida to Baltimore. We got on the flight at 5 pm, with a scheduled departure of 5:30. [Sit down and fasten your seat belts.] Well, the departure time came around and we noticed that a technician had boarded our plane because of a seat belt that wouldn’t buckle and a tray table that was unwilling to get into “its full, upright, and locked position.”
The captain came on and told us there would be a “brief delay” while this situation was remedied. In the meantime, we couldn’t have much air conditioning (in Florida, on a hot day) because it would take too much fuel. After about 30 minutes of sweating, the techie left and we backed away from the gate. We thought that, once we were on the tarmac, the take off would be happening shortly. We were wrong.
The next announcement from the captain came a few minutes later. The airport in Baltimore was having weather problems and planes were backed up and in holding patterns all the way to the Carolinas. The good thing was, according to the Man Up Front, that we hadn’t taken off because he didn’t have enough fuel to circle that far away from where he planned on landing and he would have had to “divert the flight.” [Translation: He would have needed to take us somewhere no one on the flight wanted to go and leave us there!]
A collective groan arose from the passengers who then realized that a diversion would still have been better than running out of fuel at 35,000 feet. [Are you seeing a “we-don’t-have-much-fuel-for-this-flight-and-are-you-sure-you-really-want-to-go” theme here?] A few minutes went by and the captain came back on with “I hate to be the bearer of bad news, but air traffic control at BWI has closed the runways so we have another 45 minute delay. On top of the other 45 minute delay. That means we will have 1 1/2 hours to wait and we will need to get more fuel” [I don’t think they refuel domestic commercial flights at 35,000 feet]. His plan was to turn back to the gate, where he promised to let us off the plane. Oops, some other plane was already in our former spot. That’s a no-go, folks.
Five minutes elapsed when he announced “Baltimore is open” – hold on, we’re next in line for takeoff!” [Wait a minute- what about the fuel?] We took off, with the pilot having promised to “fly slowly” so that he could avoid the backup of planes needing to land. [Wait a minute, WHAT ABOUT THE FUEL????]
With a Reader’s Digest Condensed Version of this tale of woe, we landed a couple of hours later…….only to find that all of the gates were full, so we had to park on the tarmac and wait for an empty gate…. and wait…….and wait….. for about 20 more minutes on a warm plane, unable to stand for the last 4 1/2 hours……..
As this story played out to its uncomfortable end, I turned to the man seated across the aisle and asked him if he’d ever seen The Twilight Zone. I informed him that this was the show enacted in real life. They let you on the plane, but they never let you off!
I would love to hear your tale of woe regarding air flight! What has happened to you in the attempt to go where your ticket permitted but the airlines or the weather seemed destined to prevent?
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Today’s blog is about how to eat healthy if you are alone. Sometimes it seems like too much effort to eat food that’s good for you, especially when the fast food companies are filling the airwaves with delicious-looking-but-horrible-for-you dinners each evening.
You are just sitting there, alone, watching Jeopardy! when the ads come on and show you the most delectable food imaginable. How do you combat that? Maybe you don’t know how to cook because your dearly beloved but now departed spouse always did the cooking. How do you avoid the minefields of high calorie, low nutritionally valued food?
Have you checked out the hospital cafeteria? My dad lives near his local hospital. They have an excellent cafeteria, where the food is nutritional and amazingly inexpensive. He eats there several times a week, getting well-balanced lunches and dinners that cost him less than $5. The folks have gotten to know Dad quite well, as they also know the other widowers who visit them on a daily basis.
One of the men, when I asked him why he doesn’t learn how to cook, told me “I couldn’t make these meals for what they cost me here and I enjoy meeting other widowers for lunch and dinner.” He used the time as an opportunity for fellowship as well as a means of feeding him food that is good for his body. I realize that not all hospitals have good food, but start there.
The next place to look for healthy food is your local upscale food store. Some of them offer frozen or fresh meals that are nutritionally well-balanced. Be aware that these stores are not for the financially faint of heart! They will cost you some cash but at least you didn’t have to make the meal yourself.
Finally, learn to cook. Take classes at your community college or local kitchenware retail store. Read books on balanced nutrition and use your cooking classes to teach you how to make the dishes you read about. [Note: You might also meet Mrs. or Mr. Right at these classes!] Another option, if you live in a metropolitan area, would be to find a company that prepares healthy food and delivers it to your door. I wish you well on your quest to locate food that is good for you and tastes good.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
A friend of mine has an elderly mother living with her family. The woman is a dear but it gets very tiring to always have to be “on duty.” My pal did not want to put her mother in a nursing home, so she found a CNA (Certified Nursing Assistant) who was interested in working part time.
The gal comes to her house three mornings a week, giving my friend time to do errands, chores, or to relax without having to wonder where her mom is. The CNA takes her mother out for “field trips” to local places where she thinks the elderly woman would like to visit. They go on walks, to parks, and out for lunch. The elder woman comes home happy but exhausted. This helps her sleep better and, as a result, her daughter is able to rest better at night.
Is this an option for you? You might want to look into this since it can be beneficial for all involved and is cheaper than a nursing home! I would love to hear from you, so please use my name or the name of this posting in your comments so that I will know that you are not spam.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
I recently came across an elderly gentleman who was taking medications (vitamins) that he had not told anyone about. Sadly, the vitamins he thought would help him had a negative impact on the prescribed medications his doctors had given him. He ended up in the hospital for several days as his doctors tried to figure out why he had had a bad reaction to medication that they had given him.
In a chance comment to his adult children, they learned that he had been taking a vitamin that he had heard about on television. He said, “But it will help me sleep.” Yes, but when combined with the medication his doctors had given him, it almost made him sleep permanently.
Please make sure that your children and your doctors know exactly what you are taking, even if it seems pretty harmless. Do not begin putting any medications or vitamins that you hear about from magazines or television into your body, until you have discussed it thoroughly with your medical professional. Otherwise, you might not be as lucky as the man I wrote about at the beginning of the blog. His doctors changed his medications twice before they knew who the real culprit was in their patient’s medical challenges. Fortunately, his side comment made all the difference in his treatment.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Perhaps you have been single for a long time, or maybe your journey in singleness is relatively recent. Whatever the case, you have decided to jump back into the pool of availability and you may have your eye on the next Mr. or Ms. Right at this very moment. Let’s take a step back and look at your potential mate.
The individual seems pretty near perfect. He or she is intelligent, attractive, and pleasant. The stars seem to be in alignment on this pairing and you are seriously considering taking the plunge into matrimonial waters again. My question for you is: how does this person handle not getting his or her way?
Since marriage is a partnership and has a lot of give and take, does this individual insist that he or she is always right, that his or her way is the only way things should be done? Some gals burst into tears with the slightest provocation, while some guys blow up if things are not going his way. Either reaction is bothersome. Both are ways to control you and your life. Tears are a passive aggressive approach to getting one’s own way, while anger can be downright dangerous to your physical and mental health. Neither is a good way to live.
Some controlling partners become sullen or withdrawn, while others stew over plans when they don’t get their way. Maybe this individual is a pouter, who acts like a two-year-old whose favorite toy has been taken away. Hey, it worked then and it still works, even though the person is grown. Have you ever seen a little kid in a grocery store who wants a treat and Mom or Dad doesn’t want to give it to the child? The kid might choose to pitch a fit or hold his or her breath long enough to scare the parent. Maybe the child is throwing a full-blown temper tantrum right there in the store. To keep the peace, Mom or Dad gives in, reinforcing the behavior in the child’s mind.
Fast forward a couple dozen years and now you have an adult who is used to getting his or her own way…….the results can get pretty ugly. You would most likely benefit from taking a hard look at your potential dreamboat. Take off the rose-colored glasses and take a good, hard look at your potential Mr. or Mrs.
Have you ever dealt with a controlling personality? I would love to hear your thoughts on this subject. Please use my name in your reply, since my website has been getting a lot of spam these days and I would like to respond to you, if you are not a robot.
Best,
Dr. Sheri
Hello everyone:
Sometimes folks who are widowed, divorced, or otherwise suddenly single ask me if they should get some additional schooling. It depends on the field you are in or are considering going into. There are some issues to think about:
Will you ever make back the money you are investing into additional education? Be sure to check out the job market ahead of time. What are trends saying about the field you are thinking about? When I started my Ph.D. program, full time faculty positions were competitive but available. Five years later when I graduated, many schools were only hiring adjuncts, which meant low income and few benefits. Will I ever recoup my investment? Yes, but it is taking longer than I thought.
What is your reason for returning to school? For me, it had been my lifelong dream to complete my college education, so it was definitely worth it for the self-esteem boost it provided. If you dread the thought of doing homework, don’t want to invest the money and time, or have some other negative reason for not doing it, then don’t. One lady who was in a Saturday morning class I taught told me that she thought that, by taking a Saturday three-hour class, there wouldn’t be any homework. I told her “Welcome to college. We have homework.” Are you willing to commit to studying two hours for every one hour of class? That is pretty much what it will take to be successful.
What will you do if you don’t return to school? Will you be forced to take a minimum wage job (or two or three) just to support yourself and your family? Then the investment would be worthwhile. After all, you may be old now but four or five years from now you will be four or five years older and you will either have that degree or you won’t. It’s your call.
I would love to hear from you. If you have any questions or topics you would like me to address, just ask. When making a comment, please use my name so that I will know you are not a robot. I get a lot of spam and delete it. I don’t want to delete you!
Best,
Dr. Sheri