: Author

Watching a parent’s decline

Hello everyone:

One of the hardest things on earth is watching a parent decline in health and/or mental capacity.

You know how it is: little things, such as going to the grocery or serving oneself at a family buffet become impossible. There isn’t enough strength for the former or enough agility for the latter.

A once-buff person becomes pathetically thin and bony. An active mind becomes clouded with fears and an inability to communicate. Hearing loss is common, as is the inability to form sentences.

Life can become centered around the need to use the bathroom. The shower can become a marathon-level challenge for someone who does not see the need to use soap or shampoo.

It can become necessary to supervise the individual constantly, telling and re-telling the same information to the elderly person. The ability to remember information quickly becomes a thing of the past. A once-mentally agile person becomes someone in need of constant reassurance.

It is quite sad. What can you do? Love the person, both as he or she is and as he or she was. Remember the happy times, and trust that you will make it through this day, this hour, this minute. Try to arrange for play dates for YOURSELF! You need a break and need to not feel guilty about it.

This is a part of the cycle of life.  How do you cope with this?

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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Maintaining your fitness so you can control your life

Hello everyone:

I was talking to someone recently who was telling me about his elderly father.  He was sharing the importance of keeping physically and mentally sharp so that a nursing home would not be necessary quite so soon.

He had some good points. If you don’t use your brain, you’ll lose it, as the old saying goes. How do you keep sharp?

My great aunt kept physically strong by walking everywhere. It is important to note that she lived in middle Tennessee, which is known for being full of hills. She walked everywhere except to the grocery. As a ninety-year-old, she finally started taking a taxi rather than trying to make it home with her groceries in hand. That was a concession not willingly granted, but the practicalities (and her physical strength) made it necessary.

My great aunt kept mentally strong by continuing to work a full time job at the age of 93. Not everyone can or will want to do this, but if this is not your idea of a nice way to spend your 90s, how about working crossword puzzles,  reading books, and doing jigsaw puzzles? These are all ways to use it, not lose it.

What ideas do you have for keeping physically and mentally “with it?”

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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Why Suddenly Single was written

Hello everyone:

Having gone through the loss of my mother three years ago, I realized that my father did not know how to do the basic tasks needed to maintain his household. For the past 66.5 years, my mother had done all of the housework. It was his task to maintain the outside of the house when they had a single family house, while she focused on the daily running of the home.

This was pretty typical of women of her generation; even if women worked outside the home, they still saw the home as their responsibility. When Mom died, Dad was left without the knowledge and experience he needed to keep their condo looking good. As the daughter of the family, it quickly became my job to keep his home in Florida clean while also maintaining my own house in Maryland.

My dad is not the only man in this situation. The wife of my Sunday school teacher  fell ill unexpectedly and became unable to take care of her husband and son in the way they were used to. He had never cooked a meal or run the washing machine in the forty-seven years they had been married.

He is a highly intelligent, well-educated man, yet neither he nor their grown son knew how to prepare a simple meal or what they should do to clean the house. Another woman I know has a retired husband and two grown sons who have never made their own beds.  They have no clue about changing sheets; indeed, they once told me that they did not realize that you ever had to wash them!

I was at a wedding reception a few years ago and watched (in horror, I must admit) as a woman was served her meal; she cut everything up on the plate and then traded plates with her husband. Apparently at their house, she was responsible for making it so that her husband never had to pick up his own knife!

This example, true though it is, is a prime example of why my book needed to be written. What would you do as a husband if something happened to your wife and you suddenly had to keep the house clean and tidy?

At the same time, women need to know some basics around the house, as well. Wives, would you know how to handle the various tasks your husband has always completed?

Would you know what had to be done on a daily, weekly, and monthly basis?  That is why I am here. Men, my book gives you guidance on how to keep the spider webs at bay, the kitchen mostly sticky-free, and the bathrooms reasonably tidy. For the ladies, I  discuss how to pick up the slack left by the absence of your husband.

I hope that you will take some time to follow me, so that you can learn some of the ways to maintain your home yourself. Feel free to ask questions as we make this journey together.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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Superwoman or nuts: Is she crazy or just well-organized?

Hello everyone:

We all know someone who seems to accomplish a whole lot in her 24 hours. Maybe she is your college professor who teaches 6 different classes at three different colleges, all of which have different starting dates. Perhaps she also writes two blogs twice a week while writing a novel and making presentations on the topic of her dissertation. Perchance she is also keeping her family fed, clothed, and the house clean while also running 8 miles a day, biking 3 miles a day, and walking 4 miles a day.

What in the world? Is this woman nuts? Does she ever sleep? Is she Superwoman? Nope. None of the above (I hope). She is simply organized.

So how is this done while not losing one’s sanity? For starters, she keeps a “to-do” list and crosses things off as they are accomplished. She makes a daily list of what must be done and also has a list on the same page of what it would be nice to do that day. If something is vitally important, it needs to be done FIRST so that the rest of the day will not be spent fretting about having not gotten it completed.

Let’s follow her through a typical day. She keeps her exercise clothes in the bathroom and puts them on before she is totally awake. By the time the fog clears, she is already dressed to exercise, so she might as well do it. Three miles on the bike, eight miles on the treadmill and that is done. BTW, if she was taking a class right then, she would have a study guide for one of her classes blown up into 16 point font and displayed on her bulletin board in front of the treadmill so she could study while running. If she was not taking a class, she would pray for her students and the folks on her church prayer list (again, posted on her bulletin board, filling otherwise non-productive time).  Ninety minutes later, she is done and it is only 7 am.

Next, she gets ready for her day, studying while blow drying her hair or reading a current magazine in the 7 minutes it takes to get her hair dry. That way, she is keeping up with the world in general while using otherwise non-productive time. She does her makeup without distraction because telemarketers haven’t figured out that she is up and at ’em by 7 am. She dresses in an outfit suitable for the entire day (when possible) so that she only has to dress once.

Breakfast means Bible study time and/or catch up with the family.  She is out the door by 8:30, to walk 4 miles, grocery shop, or run errands. Home by lunchtime means no fast food (that adds pounds very quickly) and on to her online classes.

She can check in on 6 classes within a couple of hours, if there are not many assignments due. She grades on a daily basis, so that there are very few marathon grading sessions and so that her students can get immediate feedback on every assignment. They appreciate knowing how to improve their grades for the next assignment by following her in-depth feedback on this one.  She keeps a month-at-a-glance calendar next to her computer so that she can track which week each of the three colleges is in, which students will have assignments due that week, and when her discussion boards open to students.

During the online class time, she makes a point of getting up and moving every 45 minutes by setting an oven timer. She also has a Varidesk, which allows her to fluff her pillow as need be. Classes are usually completely done by 2:30 or 3, so she can take a few minutes to fold the two loads of laundry she did while teaching (the 45 minutes between breaks is enough time to transfer washing into the dryer and then take it out when it is dry).

She can spend the rest of the time until dinner preparation time to blog or write her novel.  To remain faithful to writing, she sets her oven timer for 45 minute increments. After visiting with the family during dinner, she can spend more time writing until Jeopardy is on. Following the game show, there is time to watch a little bit of Doc Martin before an early bedtime.

Do you think she is nuts or just well-organized? I hope you think the later, instead of the former!

Best,

Dr. Sheri

P.S. Welcome to my life!

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Tips for moving with children

Hello everyone:

Here are some tips for moving to a new location if you have small children:

When I was in the process of becoming a suddenly single mom, my small son had an interesting comment as we prepared to move out of the apartment I had shared with my soon-to-be-ex-husband and into our new condo.

His father had left for greener pastures when our son was two; he was now three years old and I told him it was time to move on. He remarked, “But Mommy, if you move, who’s going to live with me?” It crushed my heart to think he was afraid that I was leaving him, as well.

Although I had planned on putting him with a sitter while we moved, I immediately changed my mind and had him become a part of the moving process. It would have been easier to let someone else keep an eye on him that day, but I realized that he needed to be involved.

His behavior could not have been better on the day of our relocation, as I let him “direct” the loading of his toys into the moving van and then had him tell our helpful friends where to put his boxes of toys in the new condo. He had “bought” into the idea of having a new bedroom and did not have any new-home anxieties as we changed our place of residence.

What moving tips can you share with everyone? I would love to hear your ideas for “moving house” as they say in England, when you have little ones to bring with you.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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Little things can make a big difference

Hello everyone:

I got a church newsletter from my great aunt’s church of many years and I was struck by how a few people can make a huge difference in the lives of others.

The last time I visited her church, the normal attendance on a Sunday morning was 271 people over two services. Not a huge group, but faithful folks who regularly met together.

These folks have a ministry to their community all year round but they go out of their way to minister to others at Christmastime. They take homemade cookies to people who have to work on Christmas day, such as firemen and women, hospital workers, and police.

Their newsletter that arrived at my home  today has numerous thank you notes from folks who they have helped in the last month: for some, the church paid their gas or electric bill; to others,  food was brought in during a time of someone’s difficulty; for those unable to get out and about,  small Christmas trees (apparently full-decorated) were given to cheer the stay-at-home invalids.

What a wonderful way to go out of their way to help those unable to help themselves! What experiences have you had with being blessed by the actions of a few?

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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Peace in the midst of the storm

Hello everyone:

The holidays can be very difficult as we navigate seldom-seen relatives amidst a flurry of activity. We can find tempers frayed as we become sleep-deprived as a result of increasing responsibilities. Too much to do in too little time can add to our holiday stress, and a limited income in addition to holiday bills can add to those challenges.

Put in a liberal dose of illness or infirmity, too much togetherness in too tight a space, and you have a disaster waiting to happen.

So what can we do? Ask for help. Don’t take all of the jobs on yourself. Pray. Take time to read your Bible. Try to stay on as normal a schedule as possible. Respect others’ need for privacy and ask that they acknowledge your need. Reach out the to person who seems determined to give you the hardest time, if you can. Take a walk when things seem overwhelming.

Depend on God to help you make it through. And, yes, it can be helpful to have a personal countdown of how many days you have left in this season. Give yourself something to look forward to, such as lunch out with a friend, and do not let anyone talk you out of this personal time that you need.

I pray that you will make it through successfully, and that you will have a blessed holiday!

Best,

Dr. Sheri

P.S. Now excuse me while I go make the family dinner, set up for it, and do the laundry while everyone else is at the beach. Oh, well….. I love my family and this is the way that I serve God.

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Remembering others at Christmas

Hi everyone:

I was talking to a widow friend on Sunday and she told me that it was the fifth anniversary of her husband’s passing that very day. Everyone was running around, getting ready for Christmas and she was preparing for her fifth Christmas without her precious hubby.

This man was the light of her life. He was one of the kindest people to ever walk the face of the earth and, even though she has a very sweet man friend in her life now, she still misses her hubby. I knew him well and miss him also.

What can be done for people in this situation? Hug on them. Make them realize that you care and that you did care for their loved one. Just let them talk. Be a friend in need. Be there for them.

I am getting ready to go see my dad soon. I will arrive on the 69th anniversary of his marriage to my mother. That is on purpose, so that I can spend some time with him on a day that has been special to him for 69 years. Mom has been gone for three of those years, but she is not forgotten.

What do you do for those who are mourning, like perhaps you have done yourself?

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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Oh the weather outside is…snowing

Hello everyone:

In honor of the snow that we are having in Maryland right now, here are some tips on shoveling snow:

If you live in Florida or some other southern state, this will not be a problem. If you live in an area where there is snowfall, you may be required by local ordinances to remove snowfall from your sidewalk within 24 hours of the end of the storm, so you better learn how to do it. If a large amount of snow is predicted, you may find it helpful to go out several times and shovel a few inches of snow, rather than waiting for it to stop.

One caveat: if the wind is blowing around, you might as well wait. Drifting snow would make your early efforts somewhat useless. If you have young people in the neighborhood that would enjoy earning a little extra pocket money, you may find it worthwhile to hire one or two of them to do this task. If that is not in your budget, let’s go outside and get to work, after making sure that you are dressed properly.

Make sure that you are dressed warmly enough. Dress in layers, with loose clothing on the top. Wear a hat (this is not a fashion show here, so don’t worry what your hair looks like), gloves, thick socks, boots, and a jacket over your long-sleeves and long pants.  Although it will be mentioned it again at the end of this section, you will be taking a shower when you are done and changing every bit of clothing you have on, so don’t worry about what your hair or what your outfit looks like during this task.

It is more important to keep your head covered than that you not muss your hair. A lot of heat will escape from an uncovered head, which could lead to illness, so cover up!

Take something to drink outside with you, such as orange juice (which will keep your blood-sugar level from going nuts as you expend all this energy). Also, make sure that you have the physical ability to do this job; if you have chronic health problems or are out of shape, shoveling can literally kill you. Everyone should do some stretchy moves before starting; this will get your muscles ready for the job facing you.

do you have any helpful tips on shoveling snow?

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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Professional pest control is not a bugger

Hello everyone:

Bugs are not a fun visitor to have in your home. If you chose to use a professional exterminator, there are a few things you need to know.

The spray guy (or gal) who comes to exterminate at your home will normally just spray the outside of the house. Let him or her know if you are having a specific problem.

Service does include killing bugs but does not include the death of termites. That requires a separate contract. Depending on the area where you live, your traditional service contract covers cockroaches, ants, and spiders.

There are two different types of termites, dry wood and subterranean.  The dry wood termites have fewer termites in their colonies and they are less destructive. They fly into your home in warmer seasons.

Subterranean termites, on the other hand, are underground, they do more damages because there are more of them, and they come up through a dirt tunnel. They like the dark. Once your exterminator gets rid of them, it is worthwhile to protect your home through a yearly contract where the exterminator returns to re-inspect your house annually and to rid your home of any termites that might have returned.

Best,

Dr. Sheri

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